This has been the longest and darkest Lenten season I can remember. It has been like a 40 day bought with scarlet fever, My heart burning with grief and sadness. And then this morning, it seemed that the fever broke. During Lent and three days of intense and deliberate prayer and meditation, finally, I am feeling the new normal agrees with me.
After releasing everything that does not serve me, feed my soul, bring me joy and happiness, after days of cleaning and clearing out, there is room for the good. The New. The positive. There is room for the light to flood in, and light up the dark spaces in my spirit. It has been an amazingly cathartic time. Very healing with many tears as I shed the troubles and pain of this past year.
And what I have discovered is that there are good and wonderful tings right there in front of me. And this is exciting. The first is many opportunities, for personal and profession growth. It is the realization that I am comfortable being alone in this house. While it is still much more house that I need, it is beautiful and I will enjoy it. I will fill it with goodness, light, love and laughter.
And then there is the man. Someone who has been there for me during this most difficult of times. When my ex abandoned me in my darkest time of need after Dad died, this man was there to comfort me, holding me as I sobbed tears of grief. When I could not sleep. he was right there to hold me and tell me it was going to be OK. While my ex was trying to get my utilities turned off, this man was cooking me dinner, because I had not the energy to cook or even move off the couch. While my ex was using the servoces of prostitutes and sytippers, this man was talking to me about how prayer and meditation could help with peace with grief amd loss. When I was at my most vulnerable, he took care not to further damage or hurt me, making sure not to take advantage either. He has shown integrity and honor in what he has done.
He was there to just be with me, with no promise or invitation of romance. He has been there for me with empathy, compassion, patience and kindness. He has comforted me when I was inconsolable.
And this morning, Easter, he went with me to church. He held my hand, put his arms around me in comfort, and stood there with me. The only two church services I have been to in the past year, has been the funeral of both of my parents. Today, was the first actual service, and it was bittersweet. And I cried as the choir sang. Because Easter is a celebration, and finally I am ready to join life again. I am ready to feel alive, and be alive. I am ready to believe, and smile, and laugh, and sing and dance in the kitchen, and enjoy the little moments.
And so it goes, this new beginning of many things. The celebration of life, and Easter and of the future. I am strong, I have put in my time, I have earned the right to have the life that makes me happy. I am following what is authentic. I am following the goodness, casting out the bad and negative, making my life full of what makes me smile.