We all reach a point in our lives where we simply cannot hold on any longer to what was. We have to mourn all the loss so we can move forward and start a new. I have been in a state of mourning love enough. It is time to get back to the light.
And so starts the process, an intense 3 days of deliberate actions, meditations and prayers. My intentions set on clearing out and letting go of the old, so that life can begin again.
Today, when I got my new phone, I disconnected Mom and Dad’s numbers. And I stood there and cried as the disconnect order was called in. Their numbers will be no more. It was much harder than I thought it would be. And I was emotional. But it had to be done.
And it makes sense, to do this just in time for Easter, the end of Lent. This has been the worst and hardest 40 days of my life and I am tired of misery. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired and of all the suffering. I am tired of missing my old life.
The fact of the matter is that I will never have that old life back. I remember the sobering realization after the attack…that I would never be the same person as before. At first it was sad, but then comforting. The pressure was off, and there was a liberating freedom in knowing that I never had to be the same. I could take what had happened, what I had learned and how I had grown to the next phase of my life.
My ex has chosen to stay in his lifeastyle of prostitutes, which to me is reprehensible. But I can still appreciate what he did for my Dad and myself when we were together. I can appreciate how fully I loved him. All my walls came down with him. And I can carry that with me for the next man who is privileged enough to have me. I trusted completely, something that has never happened before. And I can do it again. I loved wholly, something I had not done for over 20 years. It was magnificent. And now I imagine what it will be like with the right man, one who truly cherishes me and the gift of my love and trust.
So I get on with the letting of the go, so I can move forward. No, there will still be healing to do after the loss of my parents. But this, this is the start of new. My new life, my new beginning.
I can have the love, the family, the life that I want. I can be ridiculously happy. It will take work, but it can be done. I just have to believe and be open and authentic. I am setting my intentions now, I want a good honest partner, I want children and to raise a family, I want honesty and integrity in life, and I want more love than I ever thought possible.
I have a new phone, I have a new outlook, I have new possibilities. I have to let go of the old, to make room for the new that will come into my heart and soul. And I pray for strength, guidance, wisdom, truth and some fun along the way.