When I Breathe, I Hope

It’s been over a year since I went to a church service that was not a funeral.  After Mom died, there wasn’t much time to go and honestly not much energy or heart.  But we always return to what we know, what is in our bones.  And for me, that is Faith.  And the Sermon was much needed this morning.

The Sermon was about breathing and hope, and control.  That when we have lost the most is when we will experience the Lord most closely.  Because when we have lost control sometimes all we have is the power of the life that animates our body.  That line really resonated.

The priest also talked about what you need to do to focus, to regain your footing in faith and God. This is where my ears perked up.  So many times over this past year, I have tried so hard, but felt distant from my faith, from God’s word, many times being too exhausted to pray, just hoping God’s Grace would carry me.

The priest said that there are four parts to focusing:

The first is self awareness.  You must take a step back and breath.  Bring out your emotions so that they do not control you. Let your emotions breath and then you will be able to breath.  If you don’t acknowledge your emotions and how you feel then you will be controlled by them and not able to make good solid decisions. I have been taking time to do exactly that.

The priest said that the second thing is stillness.  This is what I have the most trouble with.  Because I am restless, I want to hurry up and get there, hurry up and get over, better, past and through.  But, as I have been told by the grief counselors, this is a process, and it just takes time.  But in the stillness, is when you hear God’s voice, when you feel his presence and when your spirit and body become centered on His will, not your own.

And in that stillness you will also find growth, which is the third thing the priest spoke of. When we grow in this way, we will also grow with God and in our faith. And lastly when in that kind of growth, we will find joy.

The last two is what I am hoping for.  I want to grow and have a life full of love and joy, but it all starts with It starts with letting go, breathing and having faith.   It is that faith which I breath in.  And as I breath, I hope.

Horseback Riding and Pampering

It was something I had not done in many years – horseback riding.  But it was a beautiful day there was an opportunity.  I called the day before, inquiring about a gift certificate for a spa left over from Christmas from the ex (I just wonder if he gave me such a great gift at the time because he was cheating?) And when I found out the spa had packages with a local horse back riding company, I knew this was perfect.

As soon as I got up in the saddle, it all came back to me, even though it had been several years.  The saddle felt good, the reigns moved easy in my hands.  The house was responsive, sensing I knew the controls.  And the weather was perfect. Horseback riding is not a spectator sport and you must be aware and an active participants every second you are on the horse. Because horses are very perceptive and they can tell the minute you stop paying attention.

And we all need that sometimes, something to completely get immersed in.

And then after the hour long ride, it was time to be pampered, so it was off to the spa for a massage and sugar scrub.  And it was on the drive to the spa that I had a realization: I don’t miss him. I thought I would, but I didn’t.  The last months have been so terrible and so much unrest and unpeace.  So much anger from him, so much of him lashing out hurting me.  Even this past week, he is so set on vengeance. I loved him and tried to be friends, tried to work things out even…but he how could there be anything after ?

And I move forward.  This house is no longer scary alone, It is becoming my home, where he will never be again, where he will never hurt me. Where he will never lie to me again. Where he will never be inside these walls.

This house, this home, is mine. This life is mine. And life is what you make it.  And this little life of mine will be full of love and happiness.