There is something to be said about enjoying your own company. And I have long said that you need to be able to be comfortable by yourself before you are ready to be in a relationship. I think I am slowly getting the hang of this being alone in this big house. While this may seem small and insignificant, it is quite large to me.
Being comfortable in your own company signals that you are facing your fears and issues head on. Because alone there are no distractions. I am dedicated to getting through this tough time and coming out of the other side a whole person. But it’s been hard. And finally, a little bit of calm.
Tonight after dinner I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself. There was music being played in the house, a little dancing, then a a few episodes of Frasier. Then some reading and now…some writing. Later, a hot bubble bath and the painting or nails.
Because I am getting to know me again. So much has changed over the last year – both parents passing and the relationship imploding. A lot has changed since the last time I lived alone. It is time for a Girl’s night in. People have to learn to by alone before they know what to do with anyone else. Because until you deal with your issues, you will repeat the same mistakes in every relationship. Because no matter where you go, there you are…with all of your baggage and issues.
And I will not be bitter or angry. I will not be that weak. I will be by myself until I am healthy and strong enough to be good for someone else. So this night, where I am finally comfortable, is a very good start. Yes, I still get overwhelmed…There is still so much to do, and I still need help. I still have to put furniture together, and do the yard, and fold the laundry (and actually do the laundry), and clean the fridge. And I still get lonely. And that is OK.
Because I would rather be at home, healing and making sure I am healthy, than out there, being stupid, making mistakes and just being with anyone because I am angry, bitter and afraid to be alone. I am not a kid anymore, I am not in my 20’s. Nor am I having a mid life crisis. I am an adult. And I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. (It’s a glamorous life, don’t be jealous…)
So spend some time alone. You just might learn something…about the person in the mirror.