Getting the Hang of Being Alone

There is something to be said about enjoying your own company.  And I have long said that you need to be able to be comfortable by yourself before you are ready to be in a relationship.  I think I am slowly getting the hang of this being alone in this big house. While this may seem small and insignificant, it is quite large to me.

Being comfortable in your own company signals that you are facing your fears and issues head on.  Because alone there are no distractions.  I am dedicated to getting through this tough time and coming out of the other side a whole person. But it’s been hard.  And finally, a little bit of calm.

Tonight after dinner I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself.  There was music being played in the house, a little dancing, then a a few episodes of Frasier.  Then some reading and now…some writing.  Later, a hot bubble bath and the painting or nails.

Because I am getting to know me again.  So much has changed over the last year – both parents passing and the relationship imploding.  A lot has changed since the last time I lived alone.  It is time for a Girl’s night in. People have to learn to by alone before they know what to do with anyone else.  Because until you deal with your issues, you will repeat the same mistakes in every relationship. Because no matter where you go, there you are…with all of your baggage and issues.

And I will not be bitter or angry. I will not be that weak.  I will be by myself until I am healthy and strong enough to be good for someone else.  So this night, where I am finally comfortable, is a very good start.  Yes, I still get overwhelmed…There is still so much to do, and I still need help.  I still have to put furniture together, and do the yard, and fold the laundry (and actually do the laundry), and clean the fridge. And I still get lonely. And that is OK.

Because I would rather be at home, healing and making sure I am healthy, than out there, being stupid, making mistakes and just being with anyone because I am angry, bitter and afraid to be alone.  I am not a kid anymore, I am not in my 20’s. Nor am I having a mid life crisis. I am an adult. And I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. (It’s a glamorous life, don’t be jealous…)

So spend some time alone.  You just might learn something…about the person in the mirror.

 

 

Whatever Gets You Through

One of my favorite poems that I have written, and one of the most requested reposts. Written 5 years ago after what seemed like a bad time for just about everyone I knew.

Whatever Gets You Through

I can hear it in the trees
As he looks at me and coos
What ever gets you through baby,
Whatever gets you through

And in the darkness of the night
When Angels call your name
I hear the silent whisper
Of the heart I could not tame

And the longing stays within me
The turbulence untrue
Whatever gets you through baby,
Whatever gets you through

And it tears up the darkness
And wakes up the cold
As I feel his arms around me
But yet I cannot hold

And yet the daylight comes again
Peaceful in the Morn
No one would ever know
The rock on which I’m torn

See it in the mirror
Hide it from your friends
The restless that never sleeps,

The sleepless from within

And it howls at the moon
As I take a different queue
Whatever gets you through baby,
Whatever gets you through

Now cut it down to trade
Now wash it down the drain
Drink it up with whiskey
But the sameness still remains

Yes in the stillness of the night
A stillness that I never knew
Whatever get your through baby
Whatever gets you through

Ada Burch 5/5/2012