Letter to Dad

Hi Dad, it’s me.  I miss you so much. There just aren’t any words to express it.  I miss your voice and your hugs.  I miss eating with you and talking about life and such.  I just miss you.  I miss my Dad.

Things have been a mess since you left.  People say I am handling everything so well and am very strong.  But it doesn’t feel that way.  I think I cried straight for the first week.  Your service was beautiful and I really think you would have loved the flag being presented by the Honor guard.  You loved this country so much I felt as if it was the last thing I could really do for you.

I am sorry you couldn’t be home.  But I think you were in the best place possible.  I wish I had gone to see you that Sunday, I was just so wiped out and tired. And I know that you didn’t suffer.  I think once you knew that you were going to stay there though, you made up your mind to be with Mom.  I understand that. And I am glad that you are together.  But it doesn’t make both of you being gone any easier.

I am so sorry about all the fighting with Michael toward the end.  I know that made you miserable. I tried to stop the fights, but I didn’t know how.  And no matter what I tried to do I couldn’t calm him down.  I am so sorry I made such a mistake with who to be with.  I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that.  And what I found out about him since then is so horrible and heart breaking that I just can’t believe it.  I wish you were here so I could talk to you about it, and you could say something wise and funny that would make me feel better about the whole situation. I never thought he was like that Dad, and I am sorry I brought him into the house and into our lives. He seemed so nice and so normal, with such a great family.  I must have missed something somewhere about him along the way.  They say love is blind. I am just so very sorry.  I wish he had been the man I thought he was. I know you were proud of him, or who you thought he was too.  You really thought I found the one.  I did too.

I am not really sure what to do with myself now these days.  I won’t say that I am lost, because I know where I am, but I don’t know where I am going at the moment.  Again, I wish you were here with you wonderful humor and wisdom. You would say something while eating a chili cheese dog and drinking a near beer.

I wish we had had the chance to build that bookcase.  I was looking forward to that.  I know you would laugh at me trying to use that equipment.  I wish we had the chance to do all that yard work together.  I know you would have enjoyed it and I loved working out in the yard with you.

I haven’t gone through your stuff yet.  I just can’t do it.  Not yet.  It’s just me and it’s just not something I want to do alone. I know that everyone wants me to hurry up and go through things to distribute, but I just haven’t been up to it.

You were the best Dad.  And I love you so much.  I was the luckiest girl in the world to have both you and Mom as my parents.  I loved watching storms with you, and eating boiled peanuts with you and being the Chief Beer Fetcher in Charge. I loved just being in your presence.  And I loved being raised by parents who loved each other as much as you and Mom.  I hope someone loves me like that one day.

It was my honor to take care of you. It was my honor to spend that time with you.  My honor to be there for you as you and Mom had been there for  me so many times in my life. It was my honor to be there with you when you passed to God.  I know Mom was there to take you.  It was my honor to hold your hand and sing to you.  It was my honor to sit with you and stroke your hair. It was my honor to be your daughter.

I just miss you.  I know you and Mom are watching over me.  Please send me signs and visit me in my dreams.  I need to know that you are here, close.  I love you always.

I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.

The Cathedral

It had been quite a while since I had gone. I used to go a lot, especially on off days, when there were no services scheduled.  I would go and sit in the sanctuary, in the silence and sit in His presence and pray.  I would let the light that came through the stained glass windows wash over me and feel the warmth.

We all need quiet time, to sit still and just listen. To realign with our spirit and souls after we have been hurt so deeply, or felt so much sorrow. We all need to be still and pray when we need direction and guidance.

And I went yesterday to the cathedral after my grief counseling session.  I felt the need to be quiet and listen to His voice within. And so I went but this time it wasn’t as quiet as usual.  There was a special choir practice from Oxford and the children’s choir from the church and they rehearsed songs and chants from the 16th century.  It was quite a treat.

And I closed my eyes, and listened to the beautiful blending of the voices as tears ran down my cheeks.  And I prayed for wisdom, and guidance and Grace. I prayed for Peace within my own restlessness.

And I slept well last night. While this is a very hard time, I have my honor, my dignity, my integrity and my class still in tact.  And that is more than some.