A Better Man


We all go through it, finding out we didn’t know someone quite as well as we thought we did.  And sometimes we even fall in love with them.  Like I did with my Ex Michael Mule.  And when that happens, that moment when you discover the ugly truth of it, it is one heck of a pill to swallow.

I found out my ex had a little habit.  Many anonymous sex apps and services were found on one of his old phones.  After being confronted with it, he indeed did admit to the prostitutes, strippers, massage parlors, swingers, and other activities.  But insisted that they were since we broke up (as if that is supposed to make it better?).  He forgot one little detail though…Like the fact they were on an old phone, the one he used while we were still together. So, there is only one way thoses apps could get there. Busted.

That world is very dangerous, and one that can swallow you whole.  The drugs, the broken people, the instant gratification of anything you want. The incredible seductive illusion that these people really care for you, and how you are doing. Feeling special, because that is what your cash buys you.  It is very addictive, very seedy and highly destructive. Because it is a fantasy, an illusion that they sell you.

The billion dollar industry that also has many under aged and trafficked women. Those websites and ads are full of those girls. And even the most “innocent” of visitors can unknowingly end up with one of them. Not too mention the health issues and diseases associated with such a lifestyle. Never in a million years would I have thought this man, the man with whom I shared my home, was ever capable of such dealings.

But there it was. Right on the phone.

And I felt anger, shame, resentment, betrayal….and an overwhelming sense of pity.  He is a 50 year old man, who now lives in his parent’s basement.  He lost the best woman of his life, and now just sits around and plays video games…and the only way he can get a girl, is if he pays for it. Or if reads a book on pick up lines and how to fake just enough interest in a girl so he can get her in bed.  Mid life crisis comes with a convertible, Just for Men hair color and spending cash on hookers and strippers like crazy.

The fact is, I didn’t do anything wrong.  I fell in love.  Madly, passionately, wonderfully in love.  I loved him with my whole heart.  And loving someone is never a mistake.  The reason why finding out all of that hurt so much, is because I loved him so much.  It is the reason why it will hurt for a long time to come.

But I can heal, I can pick up and move on.  I can still find the man who I thought he was, he is out there somewhere in the world. I can fall in love again.  I can be happy.  I am taking time to to get over everything so that I will be good for the next man I am with.

And he, unless he gets help, will still be same.

Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man – Better Man, Little big Town

 

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