Falling in Love Again

Most say that falling in love should be an effortless thing.  And for the most part I agree. Except when it is falling in love with your life.  Sometimes you have to set out to find the magic, especially when things have been hard.  You must just make up your mind, because what is the alternative?  Being angry and bitter?  Those are not options for me.

And I find myself falling in love with my life again – slowly.  I am finding magic in the ordinary, the every day.  I am finding through spending time in my own company, that I like myself.

But just how do you fall in love with your life?

First it is a process.  It takes time. It takes effort.  It takes dedication, because somehow, falling in love with your life, as is, can be easier said than done.  Why is that?  Maybe because you also have to forgive yourself.  You have to admit your mistakes and shortcomings, forgive yourself, accept that you are human and move on, as you try to do better than the day before.

I have accepted my shortcomings.  I have made mistakes, I have come up short, I have failed.  I have hurt and disappointed others in the process. But I did try my hardest. Sometimes, that was not enough.  And I have said my apologies, to others and to myself.  I have asked for forgiveness, from myself, from God and from those whom I have hurt.  I am complicated and flawed.  And I love myself anyway. I hope you do too.

And you have to ask what it is that you want?  And I want a life full of love.  I was on that track before life blew up, now I am picking up where that trail left off except with a deeper understanding of life.  I want joy and happiness, and what is good and authentic.  I want ridiculous romantic love.  Not all the flash, but the slow burn of true and deep with a man who will be a true partner.  I want loyalty and laughter. Family, friends, a happy bright home.  Success and abundance, creativity.

My mother always told me that the painful times will carve out deep places in our soul. And while it hurts, the spaces in our soul are deeper than they were before, leaving us with the ability to feel love and everything else  in life much deeper.  That is true.  I feel to a higher degree now, knowing the sorrow of loss. And the love we are able to feel, goes deep and fills in the cracks, making us stronger than we were before. We are stronger because of the pain, because it allows for more love.

And now, I move on, letting go of the past, looking forward to the future, dedicated to making an effort every day to find the magic and see the goodness deeper than before. There is life all around me.  I see it in the trees, hear it in the birds.  There is love everywhere – in my family, in my friends, in the world. I don’t even have to look for it, it is just there. And there is God’s unconditional love and Grace.

A time of great upheaval and unhappiness often signals a time of great change.  And that has definitely been the case.  But we can still have faith in that change, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable.  That is a process too. And when we come out of the other side, we look around at the new landscape of our lives and the transformation of ourselves.  We cannot ever be the same, nor would we want to be.  To be the same would negate the significance of what happened.  And it would keep us from growing into the deeper, finer, better, humans that we are destined to be.

So I am going to enjoy this process.  It is time for life. It is time to fall in love again, and that starts with who is in the mirror.  Love that comes from the inside is the light that cannot be extinguished.  And it draws others close, with it’s warmth and authenticity.

Repost: I Miss You

I was asked to repost this one, so enjoy!

I Miss You

To miss someone is defined as to discover or feel the absence of. But I think it is much more than that, You can notice someone is not there, but not miss them. When someone says “I miss you.” A certain feeling in conveyed. A feeling of not just noticing someone’s absence, but wishing for their return. Even that does not peg exactly what missing feels like.

To me, missing someone means much more. It means that you think about them, and think of them fondly.  That they pop into your head at different times during the day, like when you hear a song or something happens you would like to tell them, but can’t. It means that you want to know about what is happening with them, and you would like to reestablish a connection. It means you like them and wish them to be close. You wish they were here. You want to hear their voice, see their smile, be in their physical presence.

And what is the cure for this missing? Well, aside from the obvious –  spending time together, talking and bonding, there really isn’t anything to be done. You just, miss them. And maybe, if you are lucky, in time, they return or you don’t miss them as much. Until then, you keep busy, dive into work, distract your mind. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you just have to miss them anyway.

And to me, that is what it means to say I miss you.

The Smell of Home

We all have those moments where a certain smell brings back a flood of memories and emotions.  It could be a recipe cooking, a perfume, whatever. Tonight for me it was clothing.  As I was cleaning my Dad’s room out, finishing up and straighten up what remains, I found some sweatshirts that I did not know where here.  As I looked at them I caught a scent…familiar and comforting.

I brought the shirts closer and breathed in deeply. And there it was, so strong, so clear and wonderful – the scent of my mother.  Over nine months since her passing, and clothes still smell like her.  She had such a presence.

And something happened, as I took more deep breaths in, wanting to soak up every bit of fragrance that I could…I felt warm and happy.  For the first time since she passed, I felt happy, a true sense of joy and comfort finding such a reminder.  I was not sad at all.

And wonderful memories came flooding back: Laughter, smiles, conversations on the back porch in the morning while having coffee, watching movies at night with wine.  Playing card games like Rummy 500 (she always won) and Poker. And so, so much love. I felt at home with her scent, remembering my safe place of so many years. It was her little gift to me, those shirts.

And I realized finally, my life is coming back to me.  Through all the grief and struggle, there is happiness and joy, slowly coming in.  It is like rays of sunshine coming in out of dirty windows, and a glimpse of a rainbow. Leave it to a mother to provide hope and love.

There will still be bad days, and bad moments where I break down and cry. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthdays and holidays. But right now, today, tonight, at this moment, I am happy. My heart is full.

I am figuring out who I am now,since I will never be the same as before.  I can be better, stronger, more compassionate, more understanding and deeper than before.  I am finally regaining my balance, my equilibrium.  Finally my feet are under me.

There has been prayer, meditation, going to church, having faith, leaning on friends for support, cleaning out, yelling, screaming, crying, working, staying focused and trying so very hard. I am eating right, exercising, paying attention to what I need and taking the opportunity to take care of myself instead of everyone else…..and finally it has paid off.  Now all that is needed is to rinse and repeat. Things are falling into place as life has adjusted to the new normal. And it fits well.

I cherish each and every moment of memories of my wonderful parents. And I know I will be OK. More than that, I will be happy.

Truth and Lies

I will never understand why if given a choice, some people will choose to lie.  Is it fear of rejection?  Fear of being ridiculed or judged?  Or maybe it is pride ort just …I don’t even know. But I would love to understand why?

It is easier to admit I made a mistake or an error in judgement, than it is to lie about it – whatever it is.  If I did something wrong, or hurt someone, I will gladly admit it. Because quite honestly, to me lying takes so much energy.  Why not admit the wrongdoing or mistake and be done with it?  Then it is up to the other person to accept the truth, not you.  You know that you have done the right thing, and can walk away from the situation with a clear conscience and peace of mind.

Every one of us have made mistakes, because we are all human.  We have all made errors in judgement that have had unexpected results. We have all done things that backfired. Or that we just realized was the wrong thing to do.  We have all lashed out when hurt at some point in our lives, and we have all been angry or felt regret or guilt about those things later.

That is all part of the human experience.  We try, we fail, we get up and try again.  That is called life.  And along the way, sometimes we lie, but we should tell the truth more often than not.  And when someone confronts us with the truth…why not just own up to it?  Why not just say, “Yes, you know what? I did that.  And I am sorry…”

Studies have shown that people who own up to the mistakes they have made actually build trust and forgiveness in others.  How many politicians have come out and admitted to mistakes and lies?  Finally telling the truth, asking for compassion and forgiveness.  And they usually get it.

There is a lesson to be learned.  When you make a mistake or an error in judgement, tell the truth.  Make amends.  To hide under a lie or to get defensive is a coward’s way out.  And while we are all human, not all of us are cowards.  Because it takes courage to face up to a lie.  It takes courage and humility to admit to a mistake.  And it takes strength to ask for forgiveness after coming clean.

And if I can do it, so can anyone else. Because I have made mistakes and had terrible judgement. I have done things that I am not proud of, even ashamed.  And I have had to apologize for being human in this life. I have owned up to my shortcomings, and begged for forgiveness.  Is it pleasant? No.  But it is all part of life. And you have to be willing to experience it, if you want to grow, if you want to be better, if you want to bring a life that is truly full of love.

What if someone never admits to a lie or mistake?  Then you don’t need them on your life.  Lies build mistrust. And while everyone makes mistakes and has errors in judgement, if someone is constantly lying, then you cannot have them in your life.  Because they will only cause havoc and misery.  They will always blame you instead of facing their own shortcomings.  And that means they will never correct the behaviors.

So stand up and admit to being human. After all, that is part of life.

The Rest of the Seasons

Every day you must get up and make a dedicated decision that you are going to be better, do better than you did the day before.  I have found that if I don’t, things easily get off track, especially in this process of healing.  You must decide, every day, that you are going to be happy, or at least work hard to get closer to it.  So, every day I am dedicated to praying, meditating, listening to my body, my mind, my thoughts, the voice of God and everything that serves me in the journey.

But what exactly does that mean? It sounds good and all that, but what does it look like?  How do you do it?

I don’t know. But for me, it is making that decision every morning.  It is figuring out what I want that day, that week, that month, or the rest of the seasons of the year.  What do I want my life to feel like?

I want my life to be full of love. Unconditional love.  I want Peace, abundance, Grace, creativity, joy, laughter, friends, travel, prosperity…So every day I pray and meditate on those things.  I am making a goal board to reflect what I want and how I want life to feel, so I have it in my mind, and work towards it.  I have goals.

It’s not doing just one thing, it is a combination of thoughts and habits.  You can’t just decide that this or that is going to change, then go back to bed.  You work at it.  I am changing my thoughts, doing counseling, doing the homework, praying, reading, doing, following the goodness.

I am approaching things differently and concentrating on love and grace.  I am doing everything I can do be better every day.  And so far, it is working.  Positive changes are happening.  The people around me, the results, the outcomes, the reactions and outcomes.

There is travel being planned.  There are friends with whom I am reconnecting, the house is becoming my home, where love and everything comforting to me lives.

And I am excited, for the first time in a long time, about the future.  I am excited about the completion of Spring, as life is renewed in many ways.  I am excited for the summer and all the travel and adventures promised around the corner.  I am looking forward to the Fall and discovering what that season holds.  And last, I am looking forward to the winter, and the completion of the year.  Just because it was a difficult start to the year, doesn’t mean that it cannot be one of the best years of my life, one of the richest, one of the deepest.

I know that my angels go with me, watching over all that is done.  I can’t say that I am lost, I can say that I am on my way.  If I truly have faith that we can make the life we want, then I must believe. I know deep down that God has His plan and that He wants me to be happy too.  And that is the plan for the rest of the seasons of this year.

Until then, I do the work, pray, and believe with all of my heart.

The Great Purge

I have heard that there are some events in life that cause one to have a sense of purging. They are usually life altering events that make us want to change a lot, clean out, lighten the load, make room for whatever lies next.  And that is exactly what I am doing.  It is the great purge of 2017.

I have been busy going through my parents things, cleaning out 49 years of things, records, pictures, collections, thoughts, book, papers, records, cards and more.  I have sifted through so much, learned a lot about my wonderful parents, their life and relationships, friendships and dealings.

And I have thrown away more stuff than I thought possible.  A whole lifetime worth actually. And I have listened for the whisper for who gets what.  And the whispers have come quite a bit.  Letting me know, of all my siblings and nephews, everyone’s boxes are full.

And I ave found surprises. My father left cards for us.  For me, my sister and even the ex.  I have no idea when he even bought these cards, there they are, lying around in curious places, where he knew I would have to go.  They are placed very thoughtfully, in order, so as to easily tell who they are for. Birthday cards, thinking about you cards, wonderful cards. And gifts.  Little things that both of them placed for us, like frames with picture already placed in them, little things hidden, waiting to be found, obvious who they are for by the content and context.

And the purge is making way for new to come in, and already things are stirring in my mind.

Travel:  I need to travel, see new places, taste new food, get away and have fun. Laugh, love, be free.  And so I am doing research, reaching out.  The beach calls, and so do other trips. I have a passport and vacation time. All I need are the plane tickets. I have the vacation time and friends in great places.  Belize? Greece? Italy? Turkey?  And always the beach, and weekend away for mini vacations. Maybe all of them.

Re-arranging:  I have been working in my father’s room.  But maybe it is time to rearrange the house.  My sister mentioned making the master suite on the main floor mine.  At first I didn’t like the idea…but now I am starting to think about it, it just might be what is needed. And it has a huge his and her closet, and a pink ad white bathroom.

Activities: It is time to start doing.  I am thinking of picking up belly dancing again  A fun and sexy way to keep in shape.  I did it several years ago, and it may be tie to start back up. Also horse back riding and hiking.  My life had been so hectic that I didn’t get a chance to do that much.  Now is the time to reconnect with my adventurous side.

Companionship: This is different that love.  It is getting to know someone, trusting them and letting them see who you really are.  It is being together, but taking your time.  This is where I am.  There is still much healing to do, and the man in my life understands that I am still very vulnerable. I am easily hurt right now. So I must be treated gently. With kindness, empathy and compassion.  And he does. I was told that I need to keep my circle small right now, and not introduce a lot of new people into my life right now.  And so I will take that advice, and rely on those who are tired and true, those who have been there for me time and time again. They will carry me through.

Family: This is a new opportunity to foster the family relationships that have been gently established.  I want to see them grow, flourish even.  I want to get to know my siblings on a deeper level.  I want to spend time with them and for them to know me too.

Writing:  It is time.  I have had plans to work on my book for a long time now.  The plan was to start working on it again while helping Mom recover from a minor procedure.  It didn’t quite turn out that way.  Now I have nothing holding me back, and my angels guiding me above for inspiration.

Myself:  I should be surround by pretty, and I should be spoiled and pampered.  So, regular massages, manicures and pedicures.  Also exercise. And time for hobbies and to write just for pleasure. regular check ups and making sure I am healthy – spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I will take care of myself, something I did not have time to do before.

Faith:  I have not been to church regularly in a while.  I was busy taking care of everyone to go.  I prayed at night, by myself, in the dark when the house was quiet and everyone was asleep.  No more.  I will go to church, I will pray with those who are with me. I will make sure that my spiritual needs are taken care of. My faith will grow and be a firm foundation for my future.

Life:  I am not sure what else might come along.  But there will be room for it.  And I will be exceedingly picky about whom I let in.  About what is allowed. The plan is to follow the goodness and follow what makes me feel how I want to feel – happy, fulfilled, deeply content.  I do not want to chase what is superficial or temporary.  I want roots. I want the good stuff. I want to make sure that what I rebuild is solid and true.

And so the purge is a good thing.

 

 

Let Go of What

Some readers have asked what is the process of letting go and what have I been letting go of?stress.

First the process of letting go has been painful and hard.  There has been much emotional work. There has also been a lot of  prayer and meditation, much truth seeking. There has been talking to friends and professionals, and listening to the voice of God when things are quiet and still.

But I have been told that time is the number one things that helps is time.  And until then you just have to get through it.  Face the pain of the loss of letting go, and eventually, with time, you will heal.

And what about when faced when letting go of multiple things at one time?  Well, that makes it even harder, but you still just have to reach deep down inside and make it through.  It is going to be very hard, which is why many don’t do it.  Many hide, run and do anything but face their pain of letting go.  That only makes you bitter and angry.

I made up my mind I would not be like that.  I will not let life and the bad things that happen make me less than, make me weak, make me angry or bitter, make me anything but a finer human being. But that is hard too.  because at the end of the day, we are all human, we all have faults and we all struggle to be a better person than we were the day before.

The list of what I have had to let go:

My parents:  The hardest things in the world.  They are gone now. This process is ongoing, and I have been told, that you never really get over the loss of your parents.   They are your first loves, they taught you most of who you are and how to be.  They are your first taste of the world and know you and your stories more than anyone  I will forever miss them. But there is comfort in knowing that they are together. They send my signs and I look for them everywhere.

You have to let go of so much, because they are everything in your past.  And you have to figure out who you are without ever speaking to them or seeing them again. Family traditions, conversations, history that is gone never to be done again. You must be content with the memories. And that is all.

The relationship and the man: In addition to that, you must let go of and mourn the loss of the life that you thought you would have.  For me, that was marrying the man that I loved more than anything in the world. It was having children and a large family between the two of us.  It was laughter and happiness, and each other always.  He was home. He was my roots, my emergency contact, the was the one whom I could depend.  He was my secret keeper, my confidant, my love. We were my future. And I finally found the person I could trust, let all my walls down with. That will not be my life. At least not with him.

But he wasn’t who I thought he was. He is a  bitter angry man who uses prostitutes, strippers and goes to orgies.  Who was I in love with?  I don’t know, but I have to let him go.  Because it was not real…and I wonder was everything he ever said to me a lie?  At what point did he stop telling the truth?  Or did he ever tell the’ truth at all?  I don’t know. I have to let that go too.

The Expectations: You have to let go of the expectations of the old life.  For me, that means the expectations of life with my parents – they will not be at my wedding, they will not ever meet my children. I will never have a phone conversation or a cup of coffee with them again. All those has to be let go. That also means the expectations of the man and the relationship.  There will not be a reconciliation.  There will not be a conversation of closure and settlement even.  I tried that and it was just too angry.  So I have to let that go.  But that is so hard, because i like things ending nice and neat. This was ugly and messy. And there is nothing I can do about it, because it is not my mess. And no matter how much I want a conversation and to hug it out, it will not happen.

The Pain: There is pain in grief.  And when you loose something that you loved, whether it is a family member, a friend, a lover, a job…whatever, if you loved it, were attached to it or cared for it, you must mourn the loss.  And that means facing being in pain.  That means dealing with your feelings….then taking a deep breath and letting it go.  I am still working on this.

The Anger:  This is a part of grief, a stage.  And for a long time I was angry at my mother’s doctor, because he missed so much and my mothered suffered a great deal.  And I was angry at my sister for not being there. And I was angry at the fact that she suffered.  I was just angry but I didn’t really understand or know. And it came out toward my now ex.  And my Dad as I struggled not to drown under the pressure of all the new responsibility I faced.  Anger at the ex for not being there. Anger at my sister for not being there. Anger at the fact that I had to face and do more than I possible could. I had to deal with that anger, face it and let it go. I did that with time, counseling, prayer and meditation.

The Guilt: Oh, this one will really get you if you are not careful.  I felt guilt from the anger.  Guilt from not being able to handle everything with Dad myself. Guilt for having to deal with so much. Guilt that it spilled over into the relationship.  Guilt because the relationship failed, and I thought is was because of my mother dying and Dad having to move in.  Guilt because I could not save my mother or keep her from suffering.  Guilt for feeling overwhelmed.  Guilt for resenting everything I had to do for dad and the toll it took on me. You have to let all of that go or it will make you angry and bitter and depressed.

The Obligation: I had to let that go as well.  I served my time and served it well.  I also had to let go of the obligation to the ex.  he was great with my father, but especially toward the end, horrible to me. Disrespectful and hurtful, so angry.  But I took it because I thought I was obligated to him, because he took care of my father, especially the last month were were together.  thought I had to take whatever he dished out because I owed him.  No.  I owe myself enough respect to expect to be treated with respect. While I am and will forever be thankful for what he did for my father, I will never owe him for it.  I will never owe my parents.  I have served my time and now I take care of myself.

My old self and life: When you have life changing events, you have to let go of the old person that you used to be.  Because you cannot move forward until you do  You will never be able to go back, you ,will never be the same and you will never have the life that you used to have.  And that is not always a bad thing, and it is not always a good thing.  But the forward movement you have after you let go can be a wonderful thing if you let it.

There is more, smaller things that have had to be let go, but that is the big stuff.  And some of it I am still working on, because letting go is a process, especially when it is compounded by many.

And I am still searching for what fills the spaces in between after letting go.  Stay tuned…

 

Prayer and Meditation

We all have those things that change and shape our lives, whether it is an event, a decision, or a person.  For me, there have been many things, events and people over the last year that have made my life forever different.  But a recent decision has made a huge difference already.

Prayer and meditation. It started out as an assignment so to speak, from a counselor. A way to clear my mind, thoughts and heart.  A way to let go of what needs to be let go of, a way to release pain, grief, guilt and much more. And a way to tap into my inner self, to be quiet and still and listen to the voice of God.  How else can you hush your thoughts, your mind and your own inner voice?

And so it has gone, and it has opened up the door to healing and to feeling much better about where I am and moving forward.  I am still looking for my roots, but with a clear mind and heart, with God’s voice whispering in my ear, the journey is not as scary. It is going deep within your faith, where your soul starts.

And what is amazing is how many of my friends have said that they meditate and pray as well.  They have sent me their favorite meditations, so I have several from which to choose.  Their support means so much, and will help me in my own journey.

Letting go of what does not serve me, or my faith, makes room for the positive to come in. Already I feel lighter. Already more and more goodness is coming.  And that is the new phrase for my life right now – follow the goodness.  I am going to what makes me feel happy and fulfilled, and loved. I am focusing on the positive. But it is hard and takes dedication.

And today during my grief counseling, we talked about this.  It is paramount to healing, and I am doing well he said.  We talked of how it was divine intervention that I found out my ex has been using prostitutes, strippers and such. Even though it was incredible painful to find out, I truly dodged a bullet. I cannot even imagine having a relationship with someone who is capable of such things. And what if we had been married before I found out? That would have been a painful divorce.

The counselor assured my anyone who used such services is not a nice or good man, and that eventually my ex would turn to be abusive, as he had shown signs of it already with how he spoke to me in the relationship.  And anyone who shows a lack of empathy should be treated with extreme caution.

We also talked about where I am in the grieving process with my parents, and that I seems to be in a good place and at peace with things finally.  I miss them so very much, but I have turned the corner in  my grieving. I am ready to incorporate them in my life, not for grief to be my life. I am ready to move forward in earnest and be me.

Turning to faith, to God, and praying, and having faith in the process is hard, but it is worth it. He talked about how I needed to be with a man who was comfortable praying together with me, because that faith is fertile ground on which to build.  And that would be so wonderful, to have someone to build love and faith with.  Let my faith bring the people and places and things in that will bring the goodness. So far, those who are close to me, do pray with me and for me.

So I continue to pray and meditate, focus on taking care of me, focus on what brings joy and I will follow the goodness. It is still a process, getting back on my emotional feet, getting through the grief, and growing the roots.  I will still stumble and fall, I will still have to work hard at this, every day.  But I am determined. And I know that my two angels are watching over me.

 

And I Ran

There is something very therapeutic about running.  Some say it is the endorphins released during physical exercise and activity.  I say it is more than that.  There is the “runners high” that is very good.  But still, there is more.

When I run, I am solely focused on me, on my breathing, on the rhythm, on the way my body feels. Everything gets very quiet, and my mind is clear.  That is when clarity comes to me, when i run.  And I as hear my breathing in the background, I am acutely aware of my body and my thoughts and my self.

My troubles, my pain, my grief, my stress, all melt away. They disappear in the breathing, in the steps and in the heartbeats that carry me forward, one stride at a time.

And as I ran yesterday, I looked up at the sky and saw the sun shining through the clouds.  And I knew, my parents were watching over me.  I could feel them in the air, see them in the beauty of the sunset, and I knew.  And I cried as I can that evening.  I cried for how much I miss them, and for how beautiful they are now, angels looking over me.  And I am more motivated now than ever to be the kind of person that makes them proud.

I want to make sure that every day, I honor them and God in the way that I live.

And I ran, I ran to improve my body, my stamina, my life.

Of Easter and New Beginnings

This has been the longest and darkest Lenten season I can remember.  It has been like a 40 day bought with scarlet fever, My heart burning with grief and sadness. And then this morning, it seemed that the fever broke. During Lent and three days of intense and deliberate prayer and meditation, finally, I am feeling the new normal agrees with me.

After releasing everything that does not serve me, feed my soul, bring me joy and happiness, after days of cleaning and clearing out, there is room for the good.  The New. The positive. There is room for the light to flood in, and light up the dark spaces in my spirit. It has been an amazingly cathartic time. Very healing  with many tears as I shed the troubles and pain of this past year.

And what I have discovered is that there are good and wonderful tings right there in front of me. And this is exciting. The first is many opportunities, for personal and profession growth. It is the realization that I am comfortable being alone in this house.  While it is still much more house that I need, it is beautiful and I will enjoy it. I will fill it with goodness, light, love and laughter.

And then there is the man.  Someone who has been there for me during this most difficult of times.  When my ex abandoned me in my darkest time of need after Dad died, this man was there to comfort me, holding me as I sobbed tears of grief. When I could not sleep. he was right there to hold me and tell me it was going to be OK. While my ex was trying to get my utilities turned off, this man was cooking me dinner, because I had not the energy to cook or even move off the couch.  While my ex was using the servoces of prostitutes and sytippers, this man was talking to me about how prayer and meditation could help with peace with grief amd loss. When I was at my most vulnerable, he took care not to further damage or hurt me, making sure not to take advantage either. He has shown integrity and honor in what he has done.

He was there to just be with me, with no promise or invitation of romance.  He has been there for me with empathy, compassion, patience and kindness.  He has comforted me when I was inconsolable.

And this morning, Easter, he went with me to church. He held my hand, put his arms around me in comfort, and stood there with me.  The only two church services I have been to in the past year, has been the funeral of both of my parents. Today, was the first actual service, and it was bittersweet. And I cried as the choir sang. Because Easter is a celebration, and finally I am ready to join life again. I am ready to feel alive, and be alive. I am ready to believe, and smile, and laugh, and sing and dance in the kitchen, and enjoy the little moments.

And so it goes, this new beginning of many things. The celebration of life, and Easter and of the future. I am strong, I have put in my time, I have earned the right to have the life that makes me happy. I am following what is authentic. I am following the goodness, casting out the bad and negative, making my life full of what makes me smile.

The Best Neighbors and Village

It Takes a village.

We have all heard the saying, and we all know that it is true when it comes to children. But what about adults?  Yes, I think it pertains to us too.  In our lives we need a village, a community of where we live, of people who will help us close by, of those whom we can trust. It is more than just knowing your neighbors, it is the humanity of compassion and understanding.  And God has placed me in an amazing place.

News has spread among my little neighborhood of 11 that my father has passed and the ex left right before. So now I am alone in this house. And there is such a village here, such a sense of community.  I have been shown such kindness. From the people across the street helping me when my car battery was dead, to making sure I have the name and number of the neighborhood yard person, to stopping by and checking in, to invites for a quick girls night out for dinner, the village is taking care.

There was a time when I would have been embarrassed, but the truth is, I need this village right now.  I need a community behind me as I figure out each step a long the way of healing. I need the love and support of others right now, cheering me on and gently helping out.

Everyone is also familiar with the notion that when you get negative out, your life improves because it frees up space for all the good to come in. And sure enough, every day, more positive things, situations and people are coming in, now that I have cast out negative people.

Grief is a universal these, so why should I ever settle for anyone who does not have compassion or empathy? Indeed, one should not. And now my life is so full of those who understand, who get it, who have humanity enough to grasp the concept, even if they have not been personally touched.

One of my neighbors gave me a gift and a card. A bracelet to remind me of my parents, and the card with the following.  I am beyond blessed to be in this space, with these people, in this village. This message, simple on its own, complex in it’s depth and raw in it’s truth. Beautiful. They understand what it is like.

Message from my neighbor:

Grief. I had my own notion of grief. I thought it was a sad time that followed the death of someone of you love and you just had to push through it to get to the other side. But I am learning there is no other side. There is no pushing through, but rather there is absorption, adjustment and acceptance.And grief is not something you complete. But rather you endure. Grief is not a task to finish and move on.  But an element of yourself – an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing, a new definition of life and self.

The wonderful, thoughtful gift to remind me of my parents and make me smile  🙂

It takes a village, and no doubt with my friends, and my neighbors, I will be fine.

Release and Catch

Sometimes we need to make a conscious effort in releasing the negative to make room for the wonderful positive things that are waiting for us.  The next three days I am working on releasing:

The pain of it all.  The last 9 months have been horrible.  Death,  loss, mourning, break ups, heartaches, betrayal.  I release all of the pain. It does not serve me anymore. I will concentrate instead on the memories, goodness and love.

The negativity: Of all that has happened.  It will not leave a permanent negative mark on me or my soul.  It does not serve me anymore. I will concentrate instead on the positive of everything that touches me.

The Fear: The fear of loss, the fear of not being loved, the fear of being alone, the fear of not being loved, the fear of being unlovable, the fear of everything not listed. It no longer serves me. I will concentrate instead on all that is before me in the world and how life is exactly what I want to make it.

The Guilt: The guilt of my life messing everything up, the guilt of my parents dying and taking away so much, the guilt of taking care of my father messing up the relationship. I no longer serves me. I will concentrate instead on the great job I have done dealing with and handling everything, even when there was no one to lean on.

The heartache: The heartache of losing the man I loved, the heartache of the betrayal, the heartache of what I thought was, the heartache of finding out the truth, the heartache of the life I thought I would have with this man. It does not serve me. I will concentrate instead on the good things he brought into my life, the love, helping me with my father, loving me, loving my father, him driving two hours just to see me and saying that k=my kiss was worth it and all other positives of the relationship.

I will let go of all that hurts me, confuses me, depresses me, saddens me. I will let go of all negatives so that positives will have room to come into my life and flourish. I will concentrate on all that brings me joy, truth, honor, honesty, integrity, love, life, joy, happiness, amusement, contentment.

I will live life with intent and purpose.  I will pray and have faith. I will trust in God and His word. I will have a life full of love and happiness.

The Letting of the Go

We all reach a point in our lives where we simply cannot hold on any longer to what was.  We have to mourn all the loss so we can move forward and start a new. I have been in a state of mourning love enough.  It is time to get back to the light.

And so starts the process, an intense 3 days of deliberate actions, meditations and prayers. My intentions set on clearing out and letting go of the old, so that life can begin again.

Today, when I got my new phone, I disconnected Mom and Dad’s numbers. And I stood there and cried as the disconnect order was called in. Their numbers will be no more. It was much harder than I thought it would be. And I was emotional. But it had to be done. 

And it makes sense, to do this just in time for Easter, the end of Lent.  This has been the worst and hardest 40 days of my life and I am tired of misery. I am tired of all the pain, I am tired and of all the suffering.  I am tired of missing my old life.

The fact of the matter is that I will never have that old life back.  I remember the sobering realization after the attack…that I would never be the same person as before.  At first it was sad, but then comforting. The pressure was off, and there was a liberating freedom in knowing that I never had to be the same. I could take what had happened, what I had learned and how I had grown to the next phase of my life. 

My ex has chosen to stay in his lifeastyle of prostitutes, which to me is reprehensible. But I can still appreciate what he did for my Dad and myself when we were together. I can appreciate how fully I loved him. All my walls came down with him. And I can carry that with me for the next man who is privileged enough to have me. I trusted completely, something that has never happened before. And I can do it again. I loved wholly, something I had not done for over 20 years. It was magnificent. And now I imagine what it will be like with the right man, one who truly cherishes me and the gift of my love and trust.
So I get on with the letting of the go, so I can move forward. No, there will still be healing to do after the loss of my parents. But this, this is the start of new.  My new life, my new beginning.

I can have the love, the family, the life that I want. I can be ridiculously happy.  It will take work, but it can be done.  I just have to believe and be open and authentic.  I am setting my intentions now, I want a good honest partner, I want children and to raise a family, I want honesty and integrity in life, and I want more love than I ever thought possible.

I have a new phone, I have a new outlook, I have new possibilities.  I have to let go of the old, to make room for the new that will come into my heart and soul. And I pray for strength, guidance, wisdom, truth and some fun along the way.

Be My Roots

“I will be your roots.  Your friends, we will be your roots.  Root in us. Root in those who love you.”

We all have those friends who are just so wise and wonderful, who tell you not just what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.  They love you enough to tell the truth, to encourage you to see what is really there, no illusions and to help you, through all of your troubles and follies. I have been blessed with several of these friends and I cannot tell you what I would have done without them.

I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday and some much needed girl talk was had.  And during that time, she said some very profound things – as she usually does, since she has wisdom beyond her years. I spilled my heart out to her with how I had been and where things are.

It’s has been hard finding my footing after loosing both parents so close together.  My friend made a great observation:  She said that I was grounded in my parents, family is where I put my roots.  And now that they are gone, I have no roots. So now I am desperately searching for my roots now.

My parents and I were very close, as I talked to them once a day.  And they were always visiting because of Dad’s cancer treatments. No matter what problems I had, they were there for me. I was so very blessed.

So now what?  She looked at me, smiled and said “I will be your roots.  Your friends, we will be your roots.  Root in us. Root in those who love you. We will root each other.”

And I cried.  To have such love and friendship is beyond a blessing.

And so I move forward, finding a place to put my roots in the fertile ground of Faith, Friends and Family. While I am still fragile and vulnerable, I know I will be OK, safe in the arms of such unconditional love.

The First Run

It’s been a little under two years since the last time.  And I did it again tonight for the first time. And it felt great. My body remembered like it was yesterday and soon my muscles had found their rhythm.

I ran today for the first time in a long time.  I went around the neighborhood and down a little road close to home. And there, I found it. My rhythm. and I moved my arms and legs and muscles and pushed farther than I thought I could go.  I pushed past the pain, past the exhaustion, past the breathlessness.

The mind was clear as I listened to my breath and my body.  Nothing existed but the rhythm, and keeping it going.

I have managed to loose 12 pounds and I am looking and feeling great these days. Muscles tone is starting to return, endurance is good and my heart is getting stronger.  And slowly, I am smiling more. And laughing. Joy is around the corner.

Not bad for the first run.

 

With Age Comes Vulnerability

Be strong, Ada.  I have tremendous respect for you as one of the most deeply honest and loving people I have ever met. – A dear friend

Vulnerability is defined as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  And over the years I have tried to be learn how to be more vulnerable.  In the past I have had the tendency to hide my emotions and feelings, especially when hurt.  And I would rather cut my own arm off than cry in front of anyone. But you have to let people in, if you are going to have any kind of meaningful relationships in life.

And maybe it is because of the pain of losing both parents so close together that has shaken me to by soul, or maybe it is just age and maturity, but I have found it easier to be vulnerable over the last months than I have all of my life.  Maybe when you get shaken down to your core, you have no choice but to let the walls down, because there is just nothing left. And now that I have time to actually grieve the loss, the vulnerability cannot be hidden.

What I am finding is that vulnerability and Grace are intertwined.  Yes Grace, that illusive quality which I have been chasing for several years now.  God’s Grace is given to us, and that is the miracle of His love. But what about in human form?  What is Grace to us? My mother described Grace as being nicer to people than what they deserved. And it is very hard, even on good days. It can also be hard for a fiery red head like me.  And most days I fail. But I try, every day, to have Grace and be better.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to hurt someone, and do to them what they had done to me.  And I couldn’t do it.  Instead there was Grace. Inexplicably. And right there, hand in hand was my vulnerability.  I could not have Grace with this person without also being very vulnerable to them. I admitted that I was very vulnerable to them, and to please tread lightly. I hope they do.

And maybe that is the secret. That as we have Grace with others, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable and for them to have Grace with us too.  And maybe on the other side, hand in hand with vulnerability is Mercy.

When I Breathe, I Hope

It’s been over a year since I went to a church service that was not a funeral.  After Mom died, there wasn’t much time to go and honestly not much energy or heart.  But we always return to what we know, what is in our bones.  And for me, that is Faith.  And the Sermon was much needed this morning.

The Sermon was about breathing and hope, and control.  That when we have lost the most is when we will experience the Lord most closely.  Because when we have lost control sometimes all we have is the power of the life that animates our body.  That line really resonated.

The priest also talked about what you need to do to focus, to regain your footing in faith and God. This is where my ears perked up.  So many times over this past year, I have tried so hard, but felt distant from my faith, from God’s word, many times being too exhausted to pray, just hoping God’s Grace would carry me.

The priest said that there are four parts to focusing:

The first is self awareness.  You must take a step back and breath.  Bring out your emotions so that they do not control you. Let your emotions breath and then you will be able to breath.  If you don’t acknowledge your emotions and how you feel then you will be controlled by them and not able to make good solid decisions. I have been taking time to do exactly that.

The priest said that the second thing is stillness.  This is what I have the most trouble with.  Because I am restless, I want to hurry up and get there, hurry up and get over, better, past and through.  But, as I have been told by the grief counselors, this is a process, and it just takes time.  But in the stillness, is when you hear God’s voice, when you feel his presence and when your spirit and body become centered on His will, not your own.

And in that stillness you will also find growth, which is the third thing the priest spoke of. When we grow in this way, we will also grow with God and in our faith. And lastly when in that kind of growth, we will find joy.

The last two is what I am hoping for.  I want to grow and have a life full of love and joy, but it all starts with It starts with letting go, breathing and having faith.   It is that faith which I breath in.  And as I breath, I hope.

Horseback Riding and Pampering

It was something I had not done in many years – horseback riding.  But it was a beautiful day there was an opportunity.  I called the day before, inquiring about a gift certificate for a spa left over from Christmas from the ex (I just wonder if he gave me such a great gift at the time because he was cheating?) And when I found out the spa had packages with a local horse back riding company, I knew this was perfect.

As soon as I got up in the saddle, it all came back to me, even though it had been several years.  The saddle felt good, the reigns moved easy in my hands.  The house was responsive, sensing I knew the controls.  And the weather was perfect. Horseback riding is not a spectator sport and you must be aware and an active participants every second you are on the horse. Because horses are very perceptive and they can tell the minute you stop paying attention.

And we all need that sometimes, something to completely get immersed in.

And then after the hour long ride, it was time to be pampered, so it was off to the spa for a massage and sugar scrub.  And it was on the drive to the spa that I had a realization: I don’t miss him. I thought I would, but I didn’t.  The last months have been so terrible and so much unrest and unpeace.  So much anger from him, so much of him lashing out hurting me.  Even this past week, he is so set on vengeance. I loved him and tried to be friends, tried to work things out even…but he how could there be anything after ?

And I move forward.  This house is no longer scary alone, It is becoming my home, where he will never be again, where he will never hurt me. Where he will never lie to me again. Where he will never be inside these walls.

This house, this home, is mine. This life is mine. And life is what you make it.  And this little life of mine will be full of love and happiness.

 

Getting the Hang of Being Alone

There is something to be said about enjoying your own company.  And I have long said that you need to be able to be comfortable by yourself before you are ready to be in a relationship.  I think I am slowly getting the hang of this being alone in this big house. While this may seem small and insignificant, it is quite large to me.

Being comfortable in your own company signals that you are facing your fears and issues head on.  Because alone there are no distractions.  I am dedicated to getting through this tough time and coming out of the other side a whole person. But it’s been hard.  And finally, a little bit of calm.

Tonight after dinner I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself.  There was music being played in the house, a little dancing, then a a few episodes of Frasier.  Then some reading and now…some writing.  Later, a hot bubble bath and the painting or nails.

Because I am getting to know me again.  So much has changed over the last year – both parents passing and the relationship imploding.  A lot has changed since the last time I lived alone.  It is time for a Girl’s night in. People have to learn to by alone before they know what to do with anyone else.  Because until you deal with your issues, you will repeat the same mistakes in every relationship. Because no matter where you go, there you are…with all of your baggage and issues.

And I will not be bitter or angry. I will not be that weak.  I will be by myself until I am healthy and strong enough to be good for someone else.  So this night, where I am finally comfortable, is a very good start.  Yes, I still get overwhelmed…There is still so much to do, and I still need help.  I still have to put furniture together, and do the yard, and fold the laundry (and actually do the laundry), and clean the fridge. And I still get lonely. And that is OK.

Because I would rather be at home, healing and making sure I am healthy, than out there, being stupid, making mistakes and just being with anyone because I am angry, bitter and afraid to be alone.  I am not a kid anymore, I am not in my 20’s. Nor am I having a mid life crisis. I am an adult. And I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. (It’s a glamorous life, don’t be jealous…)

So spend some time alone.  You just might learn something…about the person in the mirror.

 

 

Whatever Gets You Through

One of my favorite poems that I have written, and one of the most requested reposts. Written 5 years ago after what seemed like a bad time for just about everyone I knew.

Whatever Gets You Through

I can hear it in the trees
As he looks at me and coos
What ever gets you through baby,
Whatever gets you through

And in the darkness of the night
When Angels call your name
I hear the silent whisper
Of the heart I could not tame

And the longing stays within me
The turbulence untrue
Whatever gets you through baby,
Whatever gets you through

And it tears up the darkness
And wakes up the cold
As I feel his arms around me
But yet I cannot hold

And yet the daylight comes again
Peaceful in the Morn
No one would ever know
The rock on which I’m torn

See it in the mirror
Hide it from your friends
The restless that never sleeps,

The sleepless from within

And it howls at the moon
As I take a different queue
Whatever gets you through baby,
Whatever gets you through

Now cut it down to trade
Now wash it down the drain
Drink it up with whiskey
But the sameness still remains

Yes in the stillness of the night
A stillness that I never knew
Whatever get your through baby
Whatever gets you through

Ada Burch 5/5/2012

Letter to Dad

Hi Dad, it’s me.  I miss you so much. There just aren’t any words to express it.  I miss your voice and your hugs.  I miss eating with you and talking about life and such.  I just miss you.  I miss my Dad.

Things have been a mess since you left.  People say I am handling everything so well and am very strong.  But it doesn’t feel that way.  I think I cried straight for the first week.  Your service was beautiful and I really think you would have loved the flag being presented by the Honor guard.  You loved this country so much I felt as if it was the last thing I could really do for you.

I am sorry you couldn’t be home.  But I think you were in the best place possible.  I wish I had gone to see you that Sunday, I was just so wiped out and tired. And I know that you didn’t suffer.  I think once you knew that you were going to stay there though, you made up your mind to be with Mom.  I understand that. And I am glad that you are together.  But it doesn’t make both of you being gone any easier.

I am so sorry about all the fighting with Michael toward the end.  I know that made you miserable. I tried to stop the fights, but I didn’t know how.  And no matter what I tried to do I couldn’t calm him down.  I am so sorry I made such a mistake with who to be with.  I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that.  And what I found out about him since then is so horrible and heart breaking that I just can’t believe it.  I wish you were here so I could talk to you about it, and you could say something wise and funny that would make me feel better about the whole situation. I never thought he was like that Dad, and I am sorry I brought him into the house and into our lives. He seemed so nice and so normal, with such a great family.  I must have missed something somewhere about him along the way.  They say love is blind. I am just so very sorry.  I wish he had been the man I thought he was. I know you were proud of him, or who you thought he was too.  You really thought I found the one.  I did too.

I am not really sure what to do with myself now these days.  I won’t say that I am lost, because I know where I am, but I don’t know where I am going at the moment.  Again, I wish you were here with you wonderful humor and wisdom. You would say something while eating a chili cheese dog and drinking a near beer.

I wish we had had the chance to build that bookcase.  I was looking forward to that.  I know you would laugh at me trying to use that equipment.  I wish we had the chance to do all that yard work together.  I know you would have enjoyed it and I loved working out in the yard with you.

I haven’t gone through your stuff yet.  I just can’t do it.  Not yet.  It’s just me and it’s just not something I want to do alone. I know that everyone wants me to hurry up and go through things to distribute, but I just haven’t been up to it.

You were the best Dad.  And I love you so much.  I was the luckiest girl in the world to have both you and Mom as my parents.  I loved watching storms with you, and eating boiled peanuts with you and being the Chief Beer Fetcher in Charge. I loved just being in your presence.  And I loved being raised by parents who loved each other as much as you and Mom.  I hope someone loves me like that one day.

It was my honor to take care of you. It was my honor to spend that time with you.  My honor to be there for you as you and Mom had been there for  me so many times in my life. It was my honor to be there with you when you passed to God.  I know Mom was there to take you.  It was my honor to hold your hand and sing to you.  It was my honor to sit with you and stroke your hair. It was my honor to be your daughter.

I just miss you.  I know you and Mom are watching over me.  Please send me signs and visit me in my dreams.  I need to know that you are here, close.  I love you always.

I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.

The Cathedral

It had been quite a while since I had gone. I used to go a lot, especially on off days, when there were no services scheduled.  I would go and sit in the sanctuary, in the silence and sit in His presence and pray.  I would let the light that came through the stained glass windows wash over me and feel the warmth.

We all need quiet time, to sit still and just listen. To realign with our spirit and souls after we have been hurt so deeply, or felt so much sorrow. We all need to be still and pray when we need direction and guidance.

And I went yesterday to the cathedral after my grief counseling session.  I felt the need to be quiet and listen to His voice within. And so I went but this time it wasn’t as quiet as usual.  There was a special choir practice from Oxford and the children’s choir from the church and they rehearsed songs and chants from the 16th century.  It was quite a treat.

And I closed my eyes, and listened to the beautiful blending of the voices as tears ran down my cheeks.  And I prayed for wisdom, and guidance and Grace. I prayed for Peace within my own restlessness.

And I slept well last night. While this is a very hard time, I have my honor, my dignity, my integrity and my class still in tact.  And that is more than some.

 

A Better Man, Micheal Mule’

We all go through it, finding out we didn’t know someone quite as well as we thought we did.  And sometimes we even fall in love with them.  Like I did with my Ex Michael Mule.  And when that happens, that moment when you discover the ugly truth of it, it is one heck of a pill to swallow.

I found out my ex had a little habit.  Many anonymous sex apps and services were found on one of his old phones.  After being confronted with it, he indeed did admit to the prostitutes, strippers, massage parlors, swingers, and other activities.  But insisted that they were since we broke up (as if that is supposed to make it better?).  He forgot one little detail though…Like the fact they were on an old phone, the one he used while we were still together. So, there is only one way thoses apps could get there. Busted.

That world is very dangerous, and one that can swallow you whole.  The drugs, the broken people, the instant gratification of anything you want. The incredible seductive illusion that these people really care for you, and how you are doing. Feeling special, because that is what your cash buys you.  It is very addictive, very seedy and highly destructive. Because it is a fantasy, an illusion that they sell you.

The billion dollar industry that also has many under aged and trafficked women. Those websites and ads are full of those girls. And even the most “innocent” of visitors can unknowingly end up with one of them. Not too mention the health issues and diseases associated with such a lifestyle. Never in a million years would I have thought this man, the man with whom I shared my home, was ever capable of such dealings.

But there it was. Right on the phone.

And I felt anger, shame, resentment, betrayal….and an overwhelming sense of pity.  He is a 50 year old man, who now lives in his parent’s basement.  He lost the best woman of his life, and now just sits around and plays video games…and the only way he can get a girl, is if he pays for it. Or if reads a book on pick up lines and how to fake just enough interest in a girl so he can get her in bed.  Mid life crisis comes with a convertible, Just for Men hair color and spending cash on hookers and strippers like crazy.

The fact is, I didn’t do anything wrong.  I fell in love.  Madly, passionately, wonderfully in love.  I loved him with my whole heart.  And loving someone is never a mistake.  The reason why finding out all of that hurt so much, is because I loved him so much.  It is the reason why it will hurt for a long time to come.

But I can heal, I can pick up and move on.  I can still find the man who I thought he was, he is out there somewhere in the world. I can fall in love again.  I can be happy.  I am taking time to to get over everything so that I will be good for the next man I am with.

And he, unless he gets help, will still be same.

Micheal Mule’

Text, Micheal Mule’

Micheal Mule’

Micheal Mule’

Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man – Better Man, Little big Town

 

The Aftermath

Aftermath is defined in the dictionary as the consequences or aftereffects of a significant unpleasant event. Or in my case, events – plural.  True the last year has been quite tumultuous. A good friend of mine and I were talking this past weekend, comparing notes about the last year.  And she asked, which is worse, going through these bad times, or the aftermath?

After a brief discussion, we both agreed that it was the aftermath of these events that are truly what is the most difficult.  The moment my mother died was truly horrible, but it was just a moment.  The aftermath is what has been difficult.  The same with my father’s death. The aftermath of loosing them both within 7 months is devastating.

It is the aftermath because in the wake of these storms, we are left leveled and we must try to figure out how to rebuild.  Just like a tornado ripping through a neighborhood, leaving nothing but shards of what was left, we look out and see only shattered pieced of what our lives looked like before. And then we are faced with the time consuming task of cleaning up the mess.  Then figuring out what to do with just the bare land of our lives.

The landscape of my life looks vastly difference now than it did a ear ago.  Every part of it has changed almost.  But now that lies before me can be anything that I want.  I just have to decide what exactly that is.

Do I want to stay in Atlanta?  Nothing is holding me here now, so do I want to stay in the rat race?  If not where would I go?  Maybe closer to my siblings?  Closer to the water?  Do I want to buy a house?  Take a class? Take a trip?  Hmmmm….Maybe make a goal board, since the goals on the last one are no longer applicable.

I wrote here about building the life we want.  What about rebuilding after the life you were building is wiped out? I suppose the theory is the same. The only difference is where you are beginning.  First you have to figure out what structure to build, then have the blueprints and build it by design, the life you want.

All you have to do to start is make sure there is firm ground on which to build the foundation.  And there is nothing more firm and steady than the human soul, guided by the hand of God.

 

You Just Wonder Micheal Mule’

You just wonder

Now that I know

About the lies you told

About where you go

You just wonder

How long have I known?

How far back does it go?

And who I have told

You just wonder

How I found out

About the secret life you live

With your out and about

You just wonder

When I will tell

To whom will I whisper

You secrets they sell?

Do damage control

Check my blog

Reach out to my friends,

To see if they know.

You just wonder

When the truth will come out

That the nice guy is sleezy

Of that there is now no doubt.

So you just wonder…