Sometimes Counselors are Wrong


You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. — Anne Lamott”

This is not going to be a nice post.  This is going to be the truth about Michael Mule`. I was willing to give the ex  a chance to clear the air between us, since he seemed to be so hurt. He lived with me and took care of my father for 7 months, all the while dealing with me grieving, or trying to grieve my mother’s death.  It was hard. Very hard.  And while the relationship ended, he did a lot of good things…

The pressure of taking care of an ailing elderly man took it’s tole on the relationship, which ended horribly Valentine’s Day night.

After talking to my grief counselor, (Mom died in July, Dad 3 weeks ago) she said that because he helped take care of my Dad for seven months, because he dealt with me lashing out constantly because of grief…he deserved to have his say.  He deserved to vent and get his hurts off of his chest.  It would be healing for both of us, the counselor said, because it would allow us to get it all out, and walk away without regret.

So I get home a little early, took a hot bath, drank some wine and some chamomile tea.  I even meditated and used “healing love and grace” as my mantra. I was calm.

After two minutes of arriving, he indeed launched into an angry tirade of everything I did to him, and against him.  For 45 minutes I took everything he said and simply said “I’m sorry.”  While it was very hard, I thought I was doing the right thing.

And then that wasn’t enough.

He wanted me to make public statements and call people…prove that he wasn’t bad guy. He was particularly upset about a blog I wrote about the break up, because his family members saw and apparently called him out on it. (read said blog here). And when I said things were getting out of hand  – he had already stormed out of the house once -he accused me of not trying, of not meaning it, of not wanting to make amends and of lying (because this is how every girl wants to spend her evening, note the sarcasm).

It was supposed to be listening and talking and mainly me apologizing so he could get his issues out…but as usual he took things too far, got too angry.

In an error of judgement, I handed over my mother’s wedding band and cross she gave me, that both parents were wearing when they died…”I am serious, and you can hold onto these as my proof. Hold onto them in good faith, then we can talk again, when things are not getting out of hand and so heated. I don’t want to fight.”

He took the jewelry, and continued to text insults to me after I left. He sent text messages threatening to sell the jewelry to replace 3 things I accidentally broke while we dated. After seeing that he was spinning way out of control, and would not calm down,  I asked for the items back. “Obviously I made a mistake and this wasn’t a good idea.  So, just give the jewelry back, and we go our separate ways.”

I continued to beg for my mother’s ring and cross for over an hour. First he said he left them at the table, then that he gave them to the waitress…  Then he admitted that after getting back to his parent’s basement, he threw my mother’s wedding band and cross, that he knew meant the world to me, down a very steep hill in his parent’s yard. The whole time taunting me because I accidentally 3 broke things of his while we were dating (I am a klutz). And then further demanding that I take my previous post down about him because you don’t write that kind of thing up about someone. (Censorship much? I am still in the USA, right?)

First, let me say that if you date a writer, that is a risk you take. Anyone who has ever read my blog knows I post the good, the bad and the ugly. I write my life.  Don’t want to be in my blog? Don’t be in my life.  Do not mistreat me and then whine about what I write.  If you wanted me to write warmly about you, you should have treated me better. You sure weren’t complaining when I wrote the good things about you.

And definitely do not betray my trust by emotionally blackmailing me with my mother’s wedding band and cross. That only shows your lack of class, not mine.

My counselor was wrong. Some scum of the earth people do not deserve anything…but seeing my sweet cheeks as I walk away.

(And yes I am willing to show anyone the text messages…just ask.)

Editors note: After talking with the counselor, I naively thought that while it may be a difficult evening, it would ultimately be healing for both. We could talk, vent, apologize and even if we weren’t best friends at the end, we could walk away with peace. I thought if I apologized and validated, we could hug each other at the end. All with love and grace to each other. But it takes two.  Never did I think he would betray such a basic trust…and cause more drama that could have so easily been avoided. “Hey, obviously this wasn’t a good idea…no harm, give me my jewelry, and we will say goodbye.”…

I prayed that God would give me a sign, show me if I had made the right decision or not with this man. I got the message God was sending.

When someone shows you who they are the first time…believe them. On the advice of my grief counselor, I tried to make amends with the ex – give a chance to say his peace so we could walk away with the air cleared and move on. BAD IDEA. He took my mother’s wedding band and the cross both my parents were wearing when they died. Where are those items now? After he took them, and refused to give them back to me, he said he threw them down a hill in his parent’s yard in the middle of the night (He lives in their basement.) Who does that?!?

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