Love is Why

When I left to take care of my Mom before she passed, I bought a red bracelet that said “Life is why.” Because I wanted us to remember that life is why we are there for her. But it really was’t.  While it is a great slogan, that bracelet had it wrong. It should have read “Love is why.”

Love will motivates us to do a lot of things.  Especially working hard. And today was a hard day, but then we all have those hard days.  It was an early start, there was a lot of lifting, moving, arranging.  And there will be more tomorrow.

Why? Because of love.  My father’s cancer treatments have stopped and Hospice is now in charge of his care.  So I want to make sure his new apartment is extra wonderful.  From picking out a shower curtain, to making sure he has snacks in his little kitchen, to making sure his new hospital bed is extra comfy with extra memory foam pillow toppers.  And soft sheets.

And as I was (trying) to put together a book case together, I wondered how many times he did this for me on Christmas morning…putting together some toy or doll house with not English instructions before sunrise?  Love is why.

And that is the thing about life, love is the reason we are willing to go the extra mile. The reason why we do more than we thought, or try harder than we want.  We do it for love.

And as I plan to wrap up the last of the little improvements of his new place, I still cannot wait until it is all done.  It has been a very long, hard 8 months since Mom was sick and passed away.  It has been the hardest and worst time of my life if I am honest. And my little heart is tattered and tired.  And now, finally, it is time for me.

It is time for me to relax and return to normalcy. Being a caregiver to a very wonderful, but very elderly father is harder than I ever could have imagined, and has taken it’s toll on all areas of my life. Now it is time to grieve properly, but to also enjoy life, and the spring, and everything that comes with it.

It is my time to return to being the girl, and letting someone take care of me instead of me having to take care of everything all myself. I don’t like being the one in charge. It is time to give someone else the reigns of this situation.

And love is why. Love of myself.  I need the break. I need to be the the girl. I need to have fun and laugh and see friends, and drink wine and not have the weight of the entire world on my shoulders.

I need to be outside and run, and be wild, and hike, and feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my lips. I need to sleep without fear of missing a sound of someone needing help.  I need to not take care of anyone but myself for a while. I need to dance and sing loud to my favorite songs.  I need to sit quietly in the morning with a hot cup of coffee, hearing the birds and seeing the wonder of nature.

I need to hear the sound of the ocean and feel the salt water on my skin.

Basically I need to fall in love with life again.



To Be Me

I am a woman,
Real, live, not imagined
Magnificent, amazing, dark
You cannot imagine the depth of me
Or the breadth of my smile
Or the source of my strength
Or the very essence

A woman, phenomenally me
I am real in the flesh
And you cannot control me
With remote, joystick or otherwise
I do not obey, and you cannot
Dampen or darken this light
Inside me; it is God-given

I will not be controlled
But I will blow the rules
Rock the boat,
Tell the truth and,
Call you out on lies
Or shortcuts on character
And misquotes and more

I am not here to please
Or pleasure or serve.
I am here to pray
And flourish
And throw my head back
In laughter and joy
And honor the live given to me

I am here to love
With my whole heart
And not settle for half done tries.
I am here to breath fire
Into this life and
Make it dance with the
Brilliance of my soul

I am here to be me.