One month, this past weekend. That is how long it has been. Since I heard her voice, gave her a hug, held her hand. One month since I saw her breathing and take her last breath, surrounded by family. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet it has only been a month.
She was anorexic, and subsequently died from complications of severe malnutrition (something which I will write about later). Her little body did not have the strength or energy to fight the pneumonia. And the heart cannot continue beating when the body has lost the ability to process food. She was between 65-68lbs when she died.
But through it all I see God’s Grace in taking care of us. My contract ended suddenly two months ago, just in time for the sibling reunion, and for taking care of Mom when she went in for surgery. I was truly able to dedicate my time and attention to her. I was able to help her when it was clear recovery was not possible. And how thankful I am for that time, even as difficult as it was.
Learning to function again after the passing of a parent can be a challenge. But I am my mother’s daughter, and as such I will meet the challenge. At an early age, my mother taught me that no matter what happens in life, no matter how bad, or traumatic, or hurtful…it is but one thing. And your life, my life, is so much bigger than that, or any one thing. So you must continue.
And I have, slowly. Going back to work, doing little daily tasks like cooking or cleaning. But you slowly get the hang of it again. I keep hearing my mother’s voice telling me to get up, get moving. It’s just a little death. And life is bigger than death.
And how different things look now than they did just six weeks ago, two months ago. A new job, Dad living with us now and no Mom. More furniture and things than we ever thought would fit into the house, several trips to the family compound, the compound being put up for sale, six cats and seven guns.
But if there is one constant that I have learned, is that life is full of change. And when we find ourselves in the middle of the winds of change, love is what can get us through. And my life is full of love. Mom is here, around, I feel it. And I try to honor her in small things that I do every day. My friends have all been so supportive, lifting me, even carrying me when needed. My wonderful boyfriend has been an amazing rock, letting me cry, and my father. Yes, love is everywhere. And that is my mother’s legacy.