Conflict is Not Love

I read a woman’s blog recently that talked about conflict being a good thing.  That things do not move forward without conflict and that conflict signals caring.  This made me very sad for her, because I know her and know her very tumultuous marriage and how full of conflict it is.  But she does have a point, though the view is very skewed.

Conflict can be a positive when there is something very wrong, but someone cares enough to step up and say thing, to say it is wrong, to say this must change because it is wrong.  Yes, that is good.  But if an entire relationship is built on conflict, that is not love. When the only thing that moves that relationship in a positive direction is conflict, that that is not love. It is not positive either.  Conflict does not signal caring or love. It indicates that something is wrong, that someone wants to fix it, and another does not.

In a normal, loving relationship, it should not take conflict to create positive change. It should not be a fight to have your needs met, or to have something that has gone wrong to be corrected. You should be able to talk to your partner, tell them how you feel about whatever the circumstance is, and come to a resolution. There really should not be any conflict at all, no fighting.  That is how healthy relationships work.

And more over, you and your partner should be able to engage in enough communication that you are on the same page with the same goals and values.  There should be enough peaceful communication that any potential negatives are discussed and taken care of before they become serious issues. If something slips through the cracks, it is discussed and a peaceful resolution is the end result.  Also, you do not keep having the same problems over and over. Once you have let your partner know that there is an issue, you work together to solve it, it doesn’t keep coming back up. The behavior changes without conflict. That shows love and passion for each other,

The man I am dating is wonderful, and if there is an issue, one of us simply makes a request of the other. That’s it. It is that simple. No conflict…and it does not mean that there is no caring, love or passion. It is because we have all three, in addition to respect. We are gently with each other.  Does that mean that we will never have conflict? No, it just means that conflict and fighting are not what is normal between us.

But she has been married to an emotionally, verbally, physically and mentally abusive, drug-addicted, dead-beat, manipulative man for 25 years; so that is all that knows.  That is her normal.  And she loves the “energy” that the conflict creates.  She loves the Trauma Bond that the conflict has created between them. He behaves badly, there is violent conflict when she objects, and she is reassured that he cares for her. It is a very sick cycle. And that is just one of the ways that constant conflict harms and manipulates the perception of those around it.

I had a crazy boyfriend once, who was very abusive, and our relationship was a constant state of conflict.  He was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and eventually very physically abusive.  I see many similarities between my friends husband, and this crazy ex of mine. The difference is that I left after the first time he hit me. This woman stayed.

It boils down to this: Love isn’t conflict. Love isn’t someone treating you badly, calling you names, yelling at you, cussing at your, calling you stupid, or especially hitting you. If someone loves you, and you tell them that there is something wrong, something that bothers you, or hurts you, then they change that behavior. Period.  It’s that simple. If they don’t change the behavior, even when they know it hurts you, they don’t love you.

Conflict is not love, and constant conflict in a relationship is a huge red flag, not a sign that the other person cares. You have to be selfish enough to know when to leave.

There are only two times in your life you are going to have Peace: When you die, and in your own house.

The Road to Happiness

Recently it has come to me…I am happy. Beyond happy actually. I am blissful.  After a lot of hard work, life is wonderful.  I have a job I love, a lot of freelance work, a wonderful relationship with an incredible man, my family is healthy and life in general, is great.

There is travel this year – a trip the Bahamas this month, a family trip to Belize, a few trips to the beach, and a few out of town wedding.  There is also a wonderful family reunion with all of my siblings that I am so thrilled with and excited to have happen.

And it is all about love.  When you make your decisions with love, when you set your intentions on love instead of fear, magic happens.  I promise you.  Love in my family, love in relationships and love of life.

I have long since said that which gives you Peace will make you happy.  And life is peaceful. And wonderful. And loving.

iIt has been a long, hard road. And I have walked barefoot, in the snow, uphill – both ways…but here I am. Not just traveling on the road to happiness, but it seems to be where I have taken up residence.  And it feels delicious.  Yes, this Spring, this summer, will be spectacular.

The Secret on My Success

A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. – Ayn Rand

Many times people see a successful person and which they themselves could accomplish such things.  In my life, I have has many successes, and many failures.  I think the two really do go hand in hand.  Because you have to be willing fail brilliantly to succeed brilliantly. When people ask me about success, I tell them what has worked for me. These are my secrets:

Faith and Prayer:  Pray and have faith that those prayers will be answered.  It may not be what you expected, but you will get an answer.  And have faith that the answer is what is best and work with it.  You really don’t have a choice but to work with it anyway.

In my career, as well as in my personal life, every one of my prayers have been answered. And there have been many prayers, tear stained cheeks or just needing guidance.  And don’t forget to say thank you.

Hard work:  There is a saying that many people are afraid of success because it looks an awful lot like hard work. There is no way around it, you have to work very hard if you want to succeed and anything.  You must have a sick work ethic and be determined to go through as many Nos as you have to to find that one YES that you need.    If you don’t work hard, you will never make it.  But you get to play hard too.

Help People:  I owe a lot of my success to the fact that I will help anyone I can if they ask for it.  This means help them find a job, give career advice, tell them who to contact for what if I don’t know the answer.  You have to help people, because people have helped you.  No matter who you are or what you have done, you did not get anywhere without someone believing in you enough to give you a chance.  You can be the best and hardest worker, but if no one gives you a chance, you are not going anywhere.

You also want to help others because people help those who help others.  And we all need help at some point.  Miss Karma can be a bitch, so make it pleasant when she visits.  Which leads to the last secret…

Giants:  I have been successful because I have had the privilege to stand on the shoulders of giants.  The people who have had faith in me an helped me along the way…I could not have done it without them.  They have taught me, coached me, given me contacts, supported and helped me when I have had nothing to give in return, believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself and just been my heart.

But even when you have reached a level of success, you still have to work hard.  And you may lose friends, as some will be jealous of your success and resent you for it (sometimes, even your own family).  That’s OK, let them go.

Never feel guilty for reaping the good that you sew. The Karma of resentment will come back on them too. Those people will never be successful themselves as long as they resent your achievements instead of celebrating with you. Resentment is so negative and destructive that it will hold them back.  Get as far away from those  people as possible and limit your contact as much as you can. They will suck the happiness out of you and whatever you do for them will never be enough.

 

Keep people who do celebrate your achievements close.  And cheer them on to.  That positive energy is contagious too, and we need more of it in the world.  Your  inner circle should be filled with those who are positive and love.  And those who can be honest with you as well.  Those who will not only support you, but keep you in line.

Those are my secrets of success. I have been beyond blessed to have the opportunities I have had, the people who are in my life and the things I have done.

To Need

It makes sense in a way, to need, to go back to what is comforting and known.  And as I think back, my mind wonders through the memories of laughter and peace.  Quiet afternoons, outside reading or relaxing. Taking pictures there, it was the first place I learned that I had an eye for photography.  Taking pictures of all the flowers and grass and bugs, and sunspots on the leaves.  It was a place of comfort.  It was home. My parents home on the water.

And going home to my parents was always where I went to stay grounded, to be at peace, to sort out the heartbreaks and scraped knees, bruised dreams and noise days.  I remember taking walks and finding quiet places to think.  It was my safe place.

But now it has changed.  Not because of any event or person, but just because of life.  Instead of a place where I am being taken care of, it is place where I care for them.  The roles have reversed, as I guess is the natural course of life.  When I go there now, I am the one who is doing the comforting, making sure Mom and Dad have what they need.  I mow the lawn, dust, clean, work, so whatever they need.  I tell them that it is all going to be OK, they will be fine and all will work out.

And it is my honor to be there for them.  After all they have been there for me for so many years.

But I do miss those days from time to time.  When I could go down and rest and reflect. Even when things are going to great in my life, I miss the convalescence that I had known when visiting.  In short, I miss being taken care of by my parents, just for a short time, a break in all the daily life of living and working and existing in the city and the rat race.

And so time marches on, and the sweet memories leave a melancholy smile on my face,  I am glad to return the favor, but miss the days of being the youngest. The sweet wonderful scent of my father, and the smell of dinner cooking while my Mom worked in the kitchen. The warm tones of the sun pouring in through the windows as we would sit and drink wine, discussing the important issues of the day.  Or the times I was broken and and weary, I would sit on Mom’s couch and she would hold me as I cried.  Oh, those wonderful wonderful memories.  Those memories will carry me, and my heart.

I guess no matter how old you get, you never outgrow the love of your parents.

Spring Cleaning

It’s that time of year again, when we get all excited that the days get longer and the weather is warmer.  Windows are up for fresh air to come inside, the heavy blankets give way to lighter, breezier sheets.  Bulky sweaters are put away for another season and the skirts and short sleeves are once again brought out.  There is camping and time outside on the patio, and we all seem to be just a little bit giddy.

It’s Spring.  And it is here just in time.

Spring also means spring cleaning, and this year it is especially exciting for me.  Life has come full circle and it is time to really clean up and clean out.  And isn’t there something so cathartic about getting rid of all the old baggage and that which is no longer needed or used?  Dusting off, turning on, cleaning out, getting rid, slimming down, and lifting up.  And this year it not only extends to things, this year, for me it also means people.  I have gotten rid of those who no longer serve my interests.  And it must be done from time to time to keep things well and healthy.

The fact is, cleaning people out of your life doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just that they no longer serve you, or any purpose in your life.  We  must learn discernment in our circle.  We must be careful of whom we let in.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn – I always thought everyone deserves a chance and the benefit of the doubt from the beginning.  No, they don’t.  You must trust your gut and if your gut tells you that there is something off, then trust it and keep a distance.

And getting rid of someone doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means they have no place in your life anymore.  And sometimes it is hard, when relationships and friendships become unhealthy.  A dear friend told me recently that he had feelings for me. He was very drunk and the confession was followed by inappropriate advances and suggestions. After my refusal and letting him know I was dating someone, there was lasing out with angry text messages.  It was hard, but he was out.  No one treats me, or speaks to me, in that way.  His actions and words were disrespectful and extremely hurtful. Maybe one day, when ample time has passed, and he is geographically distanced, there will be contact again.  But for now the toxicity of the friendship deemed it worthy of termination.

Keeping your inner circle closed shows self respect and value.  Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.  Not everyone has something to add to your life. And indeed, some will deplete you if you let them.  Toxic people and relationships will bleed you of your energy, emotions and intention. You will give so much to that relationship or situation, that others positives in your life go neglected. So make sure you take a look at those who surround you, those who are close. Examine your relationships to make sure that you are not settling for less than you deserve. Friendship is not free; loyalty, honestly, respect and integrity are the wages and must be paid in full.

What is important is that who is left in your life are those who are truly the best for you.  Those who will support you, cheer you on, and even give you a kick in the pants when you need it. After that what is left is space for everything good and wonderful to come in.  You cannot make a new life, holding onto what, and who, does not serve you.

Now I am feeling lighter than I did before the cleaning process began, I breath easier, and my shoulders are not as tense. I truly believe that one of the keys to happiness is making sure you have genuine, loyal, positive, supportive people around you, who truly know how to love and be good humans.

Yes, welcome to Spring!  I look forward to many good times, smile and great memories ahead.

Falling in Love with Your Life

“She wins who calls herself beautiful and challenges the world to change to truly see her.” — Naomi Wolf

I have a secret that I have been keeping for a little while now. I am in love and it is wonderful.  I have fallen completely in love…with my life. which is wonderful, because for along time I was completely disenchanted with it.  But now, what a difference.

There is something very cozy and wonderful about being inside  on a cold, wet rainy night.  A nice fire, cats purring, TV on, a warm blanket and writing away.  The best seat in the house is always under a warm blanket.  And soon I will have a new full time opportunity.  It is not perfect, but this little life, is all mine.

And I am such a homebody that, at least to me, being home and cozy on a cold is just perfect.  Once the sweat pants on are, I am in the for night.  Comfort is king, even though it might not be sexy or seductive. oh, and the warm fuzzy socks. Those are a must.

Because it really is about the simple things, when it comes right down to it. Those creature comforts that we grew up with, that make us feel secure, and make us feel nice and warm even on a cold dark night.

And when you have worked hard, rebuilt your life from scratch, then  you deserve to enjoy the spoils of all your hard work.  To reward the spirit for working hard, you must also play hard. Because you have to reward yourself for reaching your goals.  And part of that is taking the time to really enjoy all those wonderful creature comfort..

And you can never forget to be grateful and still pray that gratefulness.

So if your life is still under construction, if you are still working hard to get to that place where you can feel the sunshine on your soul again, know that it is there and you can reach it.  Know that all  the hard work, tears, heartache, restlessness, fear, blood and sweat are not in vain.  You will get there, to that place where you look out and realize that you are in love too.  Just breath and have faith. You can do it.

The Road to Happy

Sometimes you have to travel many lines down the road to get to happy.  Sometimes it takes years, sometimes it comes faster.  Whichever way, it seems that there are books galore about how to obtain that illusive happy.  I myself have been through a rough time that just in the past year I have recovered and feel like my life is back on track with where it was headed.

A string of bad luck and hard times hit about five years ago, starting with being brutally attacked by the then boyfriend. Being stalked by him for the next 18 months didn’t help the situation or my happiness factor.  Add to that, my father was in and out of the hospital with complications from chemotherapy. And then there was the House of Mold, as well as some minor things like loosing jobs due to budget cuts, family issues and a few break ups.  It was rough and there were thousands of  steps, hundred of miles, millions of heartbeats, countless tears and so much re building that I was beginning to wonder if Happy would ever happen.

And them, one day, I realized it had.  I was finally there.  But there was no fan fare, no big  moment or event, no epiphany. It just slowly, crept up on me. I was smiling and laughing more, feeling lighter and freer, enjoying life more.

But how exact;y did I get there?  How does someone who is going through or has been through a rough spot, get back to happy? I don’t know.  But here is what worked for me.

Pray:  Pray and have faith.  I have prayed some of the most sincere prayers  after sobbing in the shower where no one could hear the tears.  Bottom line is that faith got me through the worst of times, when there was nothing else to hold onto.

Forget what other people think:  If you live your life trying to please everyone, or trying to keep up the the Jones’s, your will drive yourself crazy and end up unhappy and frazzled.  Do what you want, live your life, follow your gut and forget everything else.  IF someone doesn’t like what you do or how you do it…so what?  Move on.

Family and friends – the right kind of people in your life can make ll of the difference.  And the wrong kind of people, those who are beneath you, can hurt you much more that those who are your kind.  This is because those who do not play fair know how to cut you deeper, because many times they will hit below the belt.

And when I say the right people, I am not talking about those who make a lot of money, have big houses and expensive cars.  I mean those who are loyal, those that will stand behind and support you when you are down. Those friends who will inspire you, motivate you, kick you in the pants when you need it, and bring wine and ice cream when you need them too, are invaluable. The kind of people who have your back make any situation better.

Celebrate the little things – In life there a few really big wonderful moments, but they don’t happen very often  So celebrate all the little things, those perfect moments, that happen every day.  A beautiful day, your favorite song on the radio, a great meal, a good glass of wine, a beautiful sunset, can all be celebrated and appreciated.  Do this and those big moments won’t seem so far apart.

“The best kind of laughter is laughter born of a shared memory.”–Mindy Kalin

Laugh, a lot – Having the right kind of people in your life in important, but so is having the right kind of relationships.  The ones where you can really be yourself and laugh. A lot. Laughter truly is the best medicine and if you find the relationships where giggles are plentiful, it can get you through the worse of times.

Breath and let go  – One of the most important things that worked for me, was letting go of all the negative. All of that old baggage, all the hurts and tears. This one may take some time to work through issues , but it is well worth it.  When it is all done, you feel lighter, more hopeful and l have room for all the good positive things in your life.

 

 

 

Having it All

“What have you done, on your own?  What have you accomplished, standing on your own two feet, to make a positive contribution to society and show you are not just a burden to those around you?”

I have so much respect for those who get off their butts and go out into the world to make something of themselves.  Those who do not expect others to support them while they sit and play.  So many of my friends are amazing women (and men), who have carved out a space for themselves. made a positive contribution, worked hard and accomplishes much.  But that is not all that they have done.

They have become some of the most amazing human beings along the way.  They are amazing, strong, compassionate women and I am beyond proud to have them as friends and confidants.

I was having a conversation with one of them last week, catching up, talking about the many thing going on in our lives.  She is pregnant, and she and her husband will have 7 children in their blended family when this little girl is born (yes, Seven!). She has been one of the top rated female Dj’s in  Atlanta and Nashville, she has written a book, hosts a podcast, has been the spokes person for autism and is now raising a bunch of children, making sure all are fed, cleaned and homework is done.  I am in awe of her.

“Let’s face it, having it all sucks!”

And yet she cannot do it all.   And neither can any of my friends.  And these are amazing women who are smart, confident, capable and confident.  My pregnant friend said she was talking with a mutual friend who said that she was exhausted trying to have and do it all, and she was just accepting the fact that somethings we not going to get done.  But that she was afraid of being judged because she couldn’t do it .

To me, this is a refreshing reminder that no matter ow together we are, or together we think other people are, we are all just human.  None of us can do it all.  Which means that when one part of our lives is going well and is perfect, another part is a mess.  Am I am bad person because this makes me happy?  No, it makes me human that I am happy that others are human, just like me.

I have always , been on my own, everything I have I have worked hard for and earned on my own.  And the same with all of my friends.  None of us have depended on another, a boyfriend or husband, to support us.  We got out and made it happen ourselves.  And I may not have as much as others, but what I do have is mine.  But…

But often times my house is a mess.  The bed isn’t made, dishes are in the sink on any given day, the floor needs to be mopped and carpet vacuumed, and let’s not even get into to the dusting of things…If you try to do it all, have it all, you will just end up being tired and cranky.

The bottom line is, whether you stay home and take care of the kids, or you have a career, at least work hard and contribute something. Don’t depend on or be a burden to those around you. Don’t use people or expect them to support you if you are not willing to go out and support yourself.  Basically, don’t be a mooch.

You can’t do everything, but at least do something to contribute. Be passionate about providing for yourself, being in control of your own life.  Stand up on your own two feet. As long as you do this….don’t worry about not being able to do it all.  The fulfillment you will have in contributing what you can, is enough.  There is nothing more satisfying than knowing you made your life for yourself.  Then, and only then, will you be truly capable of sharing life with another.