A Lot

A lot

The dictionary says a lot is a large number or amount; a great deal; much.

It has taken a lot to get me here today.

It has taken a lot of miles, down dirt roads, paved paths , with a many footsteps.

A lot of jumps and leaps of faith, and irregular beats and a lot of movement.

It has taken me a lot of years, a lot of prayer and a lot of, so much of, hard core steel.

It has taken a lot of stubbornness, just simply too much, too unwilling to not make it

It has taken a lot of grit. And Dirt and dust and mud.

It has taken a lot of crawling, on my knees, on my stomach when I was too weak to stand, face to the ground, too low to even see the horizon sometimes.

It has taken a lot of strength. It has taken a lot of feeling, and stretching, and tearing. A lot of breaking, a lot of leaking, a lot of ripping and tripping.

It has taken a lot of pain. A lot of, more than can possibly be counted, more than can be fathomed in the mind, of tears, and heartache, that goes so deep that even the soul seems shallow in comparison.

It has taken a lot of weakness, of mine, of others, of theirs and yes, even of yours, so much of yours, to get where I am. A lot of talk, a lot of yelling and lot of screaming, in my mind what I wanted to say, but could not say for a lot of, so many, reasons.

It has taken a lot of heart beats, each one, one by one, tearfully, painfully, regretfully, lovingly, angrily, mournfully, let go, one at a time.

It has taken more love, more hope, more compassion, more feeling, more of everything, a  lot more of everything than I ever imagined possible, even in my deepest dreams, or baddest nightmares, or most fearless daydreams.

It has taken a lot of you, a lot of them, a lot of those. And most of all, it has taken a lot of me. Taken so much of me, that I have wondered is anything left of me?  Is any me left in here?

It has taken a lot of stress and loss, and a lot of gain.  It has taken a lot to forget a lot of things. It has taken a lot of my blood, my sweat and the sweet taste of him. It has taken every bit of life, every drop, unwanted, unaltered, unadulterated, unplanned and undiscovered, to get me here today.

It has taken a lot because I wanted to be here today. A lot because, mostly because, all because, I wanted to be here. I wanted to say I am still here. I wanted to see the other side, and see the color of the sky, and the warmth of the sun, feel the wildness of the wind, hear what it has to say to me, deep in the dawn. I wanted to speak to the sunrise and breathe with the sunset.

But first it took a lot.

And now, it is a a lot better than I thought it would be. The sky is a  lot brighter, the wind is a lot lighter, the air is a lot crisper and my heart is a lot, so much more full.  Life is a lot btter. And here I am.