Sometimes, in life we look around and realize that a new chapter is beginning. Chapters may close simultaneously leaving room for other things, people, places, experiences, jobs…adventure. And this can be scary, but exciting at the same time.
And this is where I find myself. Suddenly I look around and the life I have led over the last four years is not the landscape which I see. It has all changed, chapters have closed, and I look at the blank canvass before me.
I have long said that we have the ability to write the life that we want, The Life We Build. Still, though, sometimes things happen outside of our control and we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory, living the life we did not write ourselves. And that also happened to me, over the last 4 years especially. While I do not regret anything, and know I did the best I could, it was very hard. The emotional cost was very high.
When we love and experience pain, life carves out deep spaces within us and imprints our soul forever. We carry those experiences with us and then slowly, surely, as doors close and others open, and those new expereinces and people happen to us, love fills in the cracks and and makes us whole, makes us stronger. But that also requires some letting go. And that letting go has poured out of my soul, out of swollen eyes and onto wet cheeks, even onto the shirt of a good friend. And just like the rain, those tears have cleared away the dust and pollen and left everything clean and fresh.
Now that I look around, and realize the tough times are over, I want to spread my wings and celebrate. I want to make that that I wanted, and start to build 4 years ago. And I am starting now.
A new job is starting, with new writing assignments, new people and new adventures. I am in a new house, a new back yard, new patio, new grill and new garden with new little flowers blooming.
I am taking new kickboxing and belly dancing classes. After cleaning out and letting go of all of the old, I am now ready for all of the new. I am working on a goal board, which I have not done seriously in many years. I am setting goals visualizing and creating the life I want. I am writing this new chapter and it is going to be spectacular. It feels so good to have my life back.
And Love, Yes I am putting myself out there again. I’ve joined a dating site, something I said I would ever do again. But this time with a new attitude. I am searching not from a place of emptiness, but from a place of full. I don’t need anything from anyone, I don’t need a partner…I want one. I want someone real, and deep, and strong to make me a part of their life and for them to be a part of mine. I want to laugh a lot, take new adventures together, grow and love together. I want to dance in the kitchen, talk all night until we fall asleep, snuggle up on the couch and travel too.
But most of all, I want someone who sees that I am worth it. Who isn’t afraid to be 100% committed to being in a relationship and seeing where that goes. I am tired of little boys who are afraid of everything in a relationship, afraid to be open and have others open up to them. Afraid to be needed, or wanted or depended upon. I am ready, and I want someone who is ready too. And if it doesn’t work, that’s OK, at least I took that step and believed, and tried and trusted and jumped.
So this is it, the first page of this new chapter. Sometimes all the new can be scary, and that’s OK. I am scared too, and excited. So what’s in store? Who knows…the rest is still unwritten…
But I can;t wait to see where this story goes!