All That I leave Behind

“It doesn’t mean much, it doesn’t mean anything at all. The life I’ve left behind me is a cold room.”

In order to move forward in anything, we must leave behind. And as I stand on the rim of a new chapter, cracked, worn, weary and a bit ragged, I take a breath and pause.

I see all I have left behind, looking down the road of this chapter about to be closed, seeing pieces if myself littering the landscape like old paper.  I leave behind this old life, The  dreams of a home, of laughter and memories in a house of mold.

I leave the backyard of hope, the pool of dreams, the balcony of life, the mountains of soul, the view of height and the breathlessness of the first.   And I leave behind the anger, the fear, the hopelessness and despair of the moment. Indeed I too leave behind those moments of confusion and tension and clay. I let go of the fighting and struggle of wanting to be recognized as human, as real, as a woman. I let go of all of your that every single heartbeat carried.

But most of all, I let go of you, yes you. I let go of all my illusions of who you are, and once was. Every breath that I held for you, I now exhale. All tht my arms carried for you, I set down. Twenty three years of knowing, of wishing, dreaming, wanting wondering. I now leave behind.  I leave behind your pictures, your clothes, your food, your You. I let go of all those notes and letters wrote and never sent.  thoughts scribbled on napkins, and notebooks, and cards, and paper towels. Thoughts wanted in the night, and day and in the morning.

All the daydreams and possibilities. I let go of the sheets and the bed, you smile and how your voice felt in my ears. I let go of all of it, the whole of you.  I leave behind your secrets. Yes I carried your secrets for 23 years, secrets you never knew I knew, I leave behind in this place, never again to be known.

I let go of everything that was you. Because you are no more, you are not hear, are not there, are no where to be found. I looked for you, I waited for you. And now I leave you behind, or the memory of you really.

And I wonder if you were ever really there at all?

There is no trace of you now.  And I leave behind that sadness of missing you. and I close that door.

And step into a new room.

The Ready

It is almost a magic thing when you feel the seasons change. It could be something as small as just a sigh chill in the air, but you feel, you know, the season has shifted and you are ready. And in this moment, of Fall changing to winter, I am ready.

Ready for what is next, to find my new place, live, unpack, make a home, FEEL at home. I am ready for great boots and opaque tights, cool mornings and warm coffee. I am ready for fires and fire places, looking for firewood and hiring the cozy crackle, reading by the warm fire.

I am to ready  flirt, to smile, to laugh. Ready to be kissed, have long conversations and see what comes next. To feel the rush of wonder and hope.

Ready for the bruises to be healed, for faith to be returned, to finally exhale as those baby steps bring me closer, with every beat of a heart. I am ready to shed this skin, jaded as it is, and be new.

I am ready to learn, grow, experience unfamiliar things in unfamiliar places. Ready to see the sunrise for the dawn of a new day. Ready to discover who I am under all this weight that has been carried. Ready to let go and be free of extraneous noise and unfocused light.

Ready to push my body, farther than it wants to go, work it harder than it is willing to give. To go deeper, work harder, be braver, than I have. To wake up with all that is dear, close to me with no distance.

I am ready to pray and have faith. To truly do andbe the best I can. To do all that I can, with faith and singleness of heart. I am ready to be love, wholey, and give myself to the delight of discovering life, and all it’s entrappings. Ready to stay up late reading, curled up on the couch, not wanting to to leave the story. Ready to write pages upon pages of all that is in the story of me.

Ready to have Grace. That’s the hard one. Ready to keep with the 4 agreements, not taking it personally, knowing the reaction is more about them.

And I am ready to live.