To BE

I have not been writing much lately. It seems that writing has taken a back seat to living. Many things that are on the horizon. And now that the season has changed, it is time to get moving again. So many things to do, and much more to be let go of. And what is the purpose of hanging on, I wonder? Why do we slow our own forward progression with the nostalgic haze of what was or what we thought it would be?

Our past is what forms us into the person we are meant to be, but we must still learn the art of letting go and moving forward. Of making sure there is enough room in our hearts for all the future holds and is promising.

And therein lies the balance: To hold onto just enough, but still let go so we are not stagnant, or afraid, or bitter. I am looking forward to putting this entire chapter behind me. And while I love and adore my sister for her letting my stay at her place while I am displaced, I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed, and not a couch. I look oh so forward to stretching out and taking up the entire king size bed just because I can.  Of  being in my own space again. And although she has been very gracious, I am sire it is hard living with a klutz in the house.

This month has been a hard one for me, discovering the mold in the house, moving out, ,living  with my sister, looking for another place to live as the legal plays out however it will. So many hopes and dreams attached. But what is life if it is not fluid? And we must be adaptable to change, as hard and as difficult as it may seem. I once heard it said that confusion can be a good thing – because it resets everything. And when the dust settles, and you have weathered the storm and found your way, you realize you are in a much better place than you were. That is my hope.

And so as the chill of the Fall sets in, the change of season is clear. It is time to let go, move forward onto the next chapter, the next place, the next everything that is waiting for my life to be. And it is scary. But life is scary and that is where our faith comes. It is a leap of faith I take now, jumping from one old life to another.

So I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and

Jump. (or fall sometimes in my case)

And I am ready for all of what this new season will bring. I am ready to be outside, in the woods, windows open, listening to the crackle of a fire. Ready for meetings with friends, catching up with those I have not seen in years, sharing wine, and laughter and stories. Ready for the crisp air of fall to meet my cheeks in the morning. I am ready to get back into exercise, ready to feel the burn in my thighs as I push my body farther than it wants to go, past the point of quitting. I am ready for all of it, as I slowly walk forward, trying to find footing along the road. And as I look down, I see fragment of my life from the past 6 months, and pieces of my hear strewn about like littler. And I decide to leave the garbage behind, I am lighter ad better without it. I look for familiar faces and hearts of those I love and they do not disappoint.

Yes, the past can make our lives rich. But with the future of the season, I am ready to BE.

Pain into Power

I think you need to go through some stuff to really appreciate life and understand what it means to persevere, overcome and have faith. I think those tough times make you a stronger person. – Judith Hill

We all go through hard times, struggles that push us to our limits and test what we are made of. Events that break our hearts, make us weary and so so tired. As we struggle to make things right in our lives, with jobs, love, family, friends, love and over and over.

What keeps us going, what drives us to succeed anyway? I truly don’t know. I think sometimes it’s just sheer determination. Finding your voice, your strength and refusing to give up even when it’s easier. Digging your heels in, being stubborn and simply refusing to be beaten.

Oh, no one told us life would get this hard. Cinderella never lived in these times. Turned inward is bitterness and anger. But turned out, you can use it to rise above, to reach deep down inside and pull yourself up with the strength of steel.

Harness the power of the pain and use it to grow, to succeed, to make it and finally to explode and light the world on fire with your strength and passion. Let the naysayers watch as you light up the path for them to follow, if they are brave enough.

But it’s hard when you’ve been fighting for so long. But that is what makes us great, our Will, our ingenuity, and the power of the human spirit to persevere, despite the odds. We just need to tap into it just a little bit longer.

And that is the key, I think. Is knowing, deep down, where even the light not dare go , to that place that is only yours and God’s. And you know, deep down there, that it truly does not matter where you come from, or how long or high the struggle. Because it is only temporary. It won’t be like this 10 years from now, five years from now, one year from now, even one month from now.

And you can persevere. Forget the odds, don’t listen to what all of them are saying. You listen to your gut, to God, and you trust in yourself and in Faith. And you know that you have a steel frame, a steel heart that beats strength into your body.

And you take it one day at a time, on baby step at a time. And soon you will be able to look back and see how far, how many, many miles you have walked. How you turned that pain into power. One step, one heartbeat at a time.

And that is how a superhero learns to fly.

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. – Christopher Reeve

As The Mold Turns

Buying your first home is supposed to be a wonderful, exciting, slightly scary experience.  And it was for me…until…until about a week after I moved in when it rained and the roof started leaking. That was just the beginning. In the short span of time I have been in the house, there have many problems, the latest f which is toxic mold. Yes, THE toxic Mold. As in Stachybotrys. And several other molds that are considered toxic, but Stachybotrys is the really bad one.

And I have it. Which would explain all the health problems I have been having. And it would explain the huge vets bills because my cats have been so sick.

When you move into a newly purchased home, you assume that it’s safe – for you, your friends, your family, your pets. Never did I think I, we, were not safe…because of mold. The home inspection was done, nothing was found…because everything had been freshly painted over.

And now mold is growing, fungus is multiplying, at an alarming rate (well, the fast growing mold, the others…grow slow). And now, I cannot live in my wonderful, beautiful, amazing new home, that I just bought and moved into this past March. It is not safe for my pets and I to be there, we are all sick.

My parents, my sweet elderly sick parents also stayed at my house. My father stayed to recuperate after chemo for his liver cancer(and his immune system was low after that). My mother spent 10 straight days with me, waiting for Dad to recover.

And now, moving forward, I must determine what to do,  how to do it, and do it quickly. So many mold inspections and tests to be done. So much expense and the estimates of remediation and cost of repair come in. So many hopes, dreams and aspirations gone.  My first home.

And many times in life, you must laugh to keep from crying.To find a little humor in the situation, if you will. So my house has been named Mold Manner, Sir Mold-a-Lot and The House of Mold. My new nickname is Moldilocks. As friends get updates it is called As the Mold Turns, Days of our Mold, The Mold and the Beautiful. I laugh….and drink a lot of wine.

And as I sip some wine, in a place that is not my home, I wonder, where will I put my Christmas tree this year?

Tune is for the next episode of As the Mold Turns…

The Spa Between

Often times we need to step away, take pause, take time to enjoy and slow down. This past weekend was a slow down Dow me, time to take space, thoughts, plan and breathe. So much to do in the life Iive, that getting away for the weekend was a wonderful gift.

After getting lost on the way there, (because getting lost is just what I do), sleep the the wonderful, huge luxurious bed came easy.

and in the wonderful morning, it was time to enjoy a delicious breakfast followed by a day of pampering and relaxation. But it was toe about more than that, it about reclaiming peace that had been lost in the flurry of life. As the fingertips of the therapist massaged my body, my mind started making lists of things to be done upon my return. And I had to listen very closely to the voice that said let go and just breath.

Aand I’m the space between breaths, in the time between prayers and words spoken secretly, silently, only to God, was the Origen of Peace.

And so went the weekend…a thousand little perfect moments, suspended perfections, I found my breath. And I sat, listening to the birds, Nd the crickets and the frogs Nd the water. Laughed, cried, was held, and ate and drank.

And it is these moments that we should hang onto in times of trouble. After all, if we are struggling to find moments to feel joy, the. Start out small.

I do have to remind myself of this even now as I examine so many bongs out my life, what to do and which direction to go.

As I figure and research, discuss and strategies. Big decision to make and I cant help but wonder, is a the work worth it In The end? Or should I walk away for  a simpler life in the mountains?

I cannot answer, I do not know. But what I do knowis that time away, a spa away, gives us the space between to figure it out. Just take the time to slow down and breath. It will come to you,