It’s forty days every year, between Ash Wednesday and Easter, that many stop and reflect. Every year I celebrate Lent by giving something up (chocolate this year…can’t wait to eat my Cadbury Crème Eggs!) and taking something on. It is a time to rededicate myself to all that is important spiritually. A time to reconnect with inner self, God and my inner voice. And to really listen.
This year is a special time for me, as so many new and wonderful things have entered into my life as of late. I have so very much the be thankful for. But yet there has been a lot of struggle to get here, and there are a lot of emotions left over.
My career has skyrocketed, with more to do now than every before. In addition to my full time job, I am interviewing someone this week for an article I am writing for the AJC. I have had articles published in magazines, but never the ADJ – a notionally circulated newspaper! It’s very exciting.
Agents are calling me wanting me to update headshots, resumes and classes for acting. And then there is the business of my book….I put it down a while ago to support my sister. Now it is time to pick it back up, along with many other things…like eating right and exercising. Things that got out of whack over the last year.
So this year, my Lenton Disciplines are a little different. They are more about taking care of myself and getting myself back up and running, so I have more to offer the world and those around me. The old saying is true, to give to others you must first take care of yourself; because if you don’t, you will not have anything to offer. I have learned this the hard way.
Taking care of everyone else last year, has left me torn and ragged this year. And my Lenton Disciplines also involved what to do about all those left over emotions from everything that has taken place. All of the loss, betrayal, lies and shape shifting.
What do I do with all the anger I have for my sister and her husband? What do I do with the feelings of betrayal concerning my former friends and landlords; all that they did, all the lies that were told? How do I dissipate the disappointment, resentment and aching from walking away from the only sister I have ever really known? How do I deal with the fact that because of her psychological condition, I have had to keep her out of my life?
I don’t know the answer to these questions…but I do know that this year, this Lent, I am to have faith, put one foot in front of the other, work as hard and as good as I can to be the best writer I can, to tell the stories in the best way possible, and to take the time to listen to God’s voice on the stillness. The stillness of the quiet in the night, the sunrise and it comes through my bedroom window in the morning, the silence that is in those moments. And I am to find joy in my life, and the good things that are coming forth. And in those things, in that stillness and silence, in that Faith, in that joy…I hope to find the Grace which I seek. The fullness of God and what he wants for me and the opportunities which He has given me.
And if I put my whole heart into it…there it will be. And I hope to let go…