The All Of It


“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.

Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

― Louise ErdrichThe Painted Drum LP

I read this quote in a blog that I read today and it resonated deep within me.   To taste all that you can, every bit of life that comes near you, to always be curious and learning, is how I have always tried o live my life. But yet I am still hungry. I am not yet satisfied. i have not found that taste for that which I yearn. So I keep tasting and searching.

One thing about living life this way that no one tells you, is that yes, you do get amazing view of the world and everything in it, you also get all the bad tastes too.  you get hurt much more, and you cry, you ache, you bleed from the very center of your whole heart.  So living this way is not for the faint of heart, for it will wear you out, living with your whole self, your whole heart.
And sometimes, in the darkest parts of the hurt, I do question my decision to live a life this way, tasting, devouring every part of life I can. I wonder if it is worth it. The tears, the confusion, the all of it. The complete and utter all of it. Because you feel all of it when you live life this way, every little bump in the road. And the mistakes you make are deeply felt as well. As are the hurtful words of others. And that is where you must have Grace, something which I am working on very hard. And I wonder if it is worth it, the all of it.

And then I see a sunset, or feel joy when someone that I love has a triumph, or feel a kiss on my lips that makes my heart skip a beat, or  feels the arms of a man I adore, ofall in love. And then I think yes, it is worth it. At least this time. At least next time. At least one. More. Time.

And so it is.

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