And as I sit on my couch, typing up my thoughts, I know that this is the weekend I needed. I was healing and wonderful. For the first time this entire year…I went out of town and it wasn’t to help my parents. For the first time this year, I left to do something that I wanted to do. And for the first time this year, some took care of me, not the other way around.
I arrived Friday and there were hugs as we had not seen each other in over a year. Then we got down to the business of catching up. I filled him in on my year, he filled me in on his. His year has been just as rough for him. It has been a rough year for many and for many different reasons.
Friday night he cooked me a dinner on the boat of fresh (caught that day) shrimp, boiled to perfection. And when I say perfection, they were so sweet, the tasted more like sweet crab meat or lobster than shrimp. Then there was drinking beer and more catching up into the wee hours of the morning.
The whole weekend was catching up and talking. And we talked about everything: Life, love, family, goals, God, politics, friends, school, science, what we want, and what we don’t, movies, children…so much that I cannot even recall. And I laughed so hard so many times, right from the belly.
And there was swimming in the ocean. The water was cold, so cold it took my breath away at first. Then he taught me some new swim strokes, we raced. And I did it, I cried in the ocean, let the salt of my tears mix with the salt of the ocean. Then I watched as the tide came and washed all of that sorrow back into the ocean. Did you know that our tears actually have the same salt content and consistency as the ocean? So my tears were going home…and far away from me.
And also, there was a moment, when I just cried. And he held me while I let all of it out…all of the fear, disappointment, heartache, confusion, anger, love, hate, lost moments, lost parts of myself and my heart….and everything in between. And my dear friend held me, tight, and just let me cry. Then he encouraged me, then he made me laugh:
R: You’ve been holding that in for a long time haven’t you?
R: You saved that just for me? You now you can always bring your emotions to me, don’t you? You know you are always safe with me right? Look at me…in the eye….It is an honor to be here for you, and for you to bring this to me. I know you from the inside out, and you are beautiful, every part of you. Even when you cry. And how many men, would be here with you and just hold you while you cried, and not make a move on you? Even as beautiful as you are? I am pretty spectacular too, aren’t I?
Me: Yes you are.
And in those moments, the tide took it all away. This wonderful man, making sure I got the comfort I needed, and never asked for anything in return. He never made a move on me, no sex, just was there for me and my comfort. He knew it had been a rough year, and he wanted to take care of me, just a bit, just for a little while, just to give me a break from taking care of everything and everyone else.
And while I still have some healing to go, all that was bothering me, is much better now. Isn’t the power of compassion an amazing things? And as I drove back to my home today, I noticed that the load was lighter than it was before. The pain not as bad. I felt lighter, my soul not as burdened.
All this time I was asking the man I was dating to take care of me for just a bit. Is it wrong to want the man you have affection and feeling for to be there for you? I don’t know. I think eventually you would have to be there for each other. The problem is that because i did not know he was JUST divorced, I thought he could provide that kind of comfort to me. He could not because of the emotional place he was in. And that is not his fault, but had I known he had just been divorced, I would not have asked that from him.
But I did get what I needed, that comfort and compassion. And it has taken the burn and sting of this year away. It was just the weekend I needed to heal. This weekend, I was given some Peace, and I let it wash over me until the burn of the year had gone. And I slept so soundly these past two nights. And I let go…