Rex: “Have you ever had a man hold you while you beat up on him because you were more important to him than his ego?”
Me: “Yes.” Sobs…”Why did you ask me that question?”
Rex: “It’s one of the 3 or 4 lowest and/or most charged-up situations in any realtionship. Without those turning points, no relationship turns real, just stays cursory.”
Recently I have been taking a serious look at how to get through the bad times. And we all go through them. Loss od a job, divorce, death of a loved one, a break up, mislife crisis, betrayal of a friend or lover, or just being really hurt by someone you love or care for deeply. There could be a thousand other things that cause a really bad time in our lives, or a combination of any.
This year has pretty much been a jumble of bad times for me…with little wonderful shining bits of happiniess. But it has been rough nonetheless. And this started me thinking. How do you get through the bad times, when you are ashamed, lost, angry, have lost faith, are unhappy, don’t know what to say, can’t find the words, hurt, confused…
I don’t know. But maybe it isn’t just one thing, or one magic answer. Maybe it is a combination of things that gets you through. There are a few things that work for me and for others:
It’s only tempoaray: This has been my mantra as of late. And it always is during the rought spots. That is because no matter what you are going through, or how bad it is, it’s ony temporary. It won’t be like this in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from now…things will be compleletely different. So all you have to do it make it just a little while longer.
Baby Steps: When we are going through a tought time, sometimes we just want to run away, or get up and back to normal REALLY fast. Usually when we rush into things before we are ready, it turns out to be a disaster. This is especially true in relationships, trust me, I know. Baby steps. When you take baby steps, you are still moving forward at a slow and steady pace…and you don’t get so far ahead of yourself or your emotional capabnilities that you suddently panic. Again, this is epecially true in relationships. Take baby steps and before you know it you will turn around and look back, and be amazed at how far you have come
Lean on friends: Friends are those who love you no matter what happens, No matter what stupid mistakes you make or how much of a mess you are. They will love you and support you anyway. My friend Trinnett is wonderful and lets be just be shitty when I need to, Rex is a great listener and lets me vent, without judgement. And My Mom (because yes she is one of my best friends) will hold me while I cry my little heart out. Randall will take my hand and place it on my own heart, and tell me I will be OK, then sit quietly with me just so I won’t be alone and not say a word. Sarah will make me laugh until I pee in my pants. there are many more, you get the picture…
Spend time alone: This can be hard for a lot of people. And there can be a fine balance between spending time alone when depressed (because the last thing you want to do is leave the house), and spending a healthy amount of time in self reflection. There is no one size all fits recipe. It’s on a case by case basis. The only thing I can say is do you best to have a balance. Don’t bcome a party animal or hermit.
Stay Busy: This is a must, or you will drive yourself crazy. I find that physical activity helps me the best. That is one of the reasons why I run, aside from great exercise and stress relief. And I bury myself in work and writing. But again, find the balance between staying busy and avoiding dealing with it. I don’t like to be still, espeically at first. I will go, go, go, until I am exausted and get to a place where I am not hurting so much…then I will be still a bit.
let go: The hardest for me. Maybe because I am a girl and over analyze everything. And it means giving up control, again very hard for me because I am a very take charge kind of girl. You have to get to a place where you don’t take things personally. Thenyou can let the anger go and begin to heal. In my last relationship, the things he did and said, and accused me of, had nothing to do with me. He was not doing it to be mean, he was just a mess and needed a lot of patience and understanding. Once I understood that, the anger left.
Be honest about your mess: This is especially true in relationships. There are somethings you just can’t hide. You may think you are doing that new love interest a favor by not telling them -You’re not. Give a general run down of information so they can assess the sitiation and handle it appropriately. Nothing worse that finding out a relationship you were in wasn’t where or what you thought it was. The next man I date I am just going to tell him it’s been a rough year, so I am a mess and need someone patient. If he doesn’t want to date me after that, it’s his problem not mine. And I would much rather loose him now when I don’t know him and am not attached than later on.
these are the things that help me. But what helps the most is knowing that the bad stuff is only temporary and keeping the balance. And even after the bad times are over, it takes a little while to get your emotional feet under you, and get acclimated to life again. To not feeling like there is a spotlight on you and your hard time every where you go.
I don’t think anyone has every part of their life togther. I certainly don’t. And the road to happy looks differnt for everyone. But I hope to be back their soon. I am a happy person in general, and I just need to get my feet under me. I feel like I am a scared dear in an open field. Please, no one make any loud noises or sudden movement. I’ll run.