Boundaries of the Heart – Getting Past Betrayal


I read this post from a fellow blogger today, and like many things recently, it struck a deep cord within me:

I’m disappointed things with “Craig” didn’t work out. I’m sad that it had to come to this; that the energy couldn’t materialize on the physical plane. All the writing and soul-searching have culminated into a heavy feeling in my heart, which is ultimately a good thing. It means my feelings have integrated in my heart and I’m not just off flying in space in my head. The energy has gathered and needs to solidify and organize itself in such a fashion in my heart before the next stages of letting go. In the end I know my heart’s boundaries are much more firmly defined because of the experience. – http://laurasusanneyochelson.com/2012/04/30/defining-my-hearts-boundaries/

Knowing the boundaries of the heart is so important and a topic which I am exploring at length. Getting over betrayal is very difficult. I am a woman capable of extreme devotion and dedication, yet I could not get over being betrayed. I think part of it is human nature; being betrayed is very painful and therefore, facing that pain and getting through it and over it is not easy. But I think it is also something more.

When someone is truly dedicated and devoted, they give everything they can, everything they are, to that other person and the relationship. And to be treated so lightly, so disposable, it extremely difficult. I think it is actually worse that rejection. To be treated as light and disposable is to say that you are insignificant, that you, and what you have to offer, don’t matter. That everything you thought, felt and offered was…not important – your love, your trust, your gifts, your devotion, your self. Getting over being lied to is the easy part, getting over the feeling of being so insignificant, can be downright near impossible.

So how do you get over it? Honestly, I don’t know. I couldn’t do it, and I tried.  The person who did the betraying and lying must work over time to make that person who was betrayed feel valued again. That trust devotion should not have been thrown away the first time, and the burden of proof is on them, not the one who was betrayed. Trust must be earned. But even then you cannot force the heart. And you can forgive someone and still not want to be with them, or move forward.  I forgave the man who betrayed me, but I will never go back to him. I just could not get over being so…insignificant – over and over again. He never gained my trust. And that is when I had to know the boundaries of my own heart, and begin letting go.

I kept trying because I kept thinking that it was a deficiency in me that I could not get over it. That there was something inherently wrong with me if this person did not value me in the first place (it must mean I was not worth valuing). But it would have been en extreme deficiency in me if I had been able to get over it – I know that now.

When he did not value me enough to treat me the kindness and respect due to each human, much less someone he was supposed to love, and I could not get over it, then  I assumed there was something wrong with my Faith in God –  in my being a Christian. But maybe it is God telling us something when we can’t get over it. Most assume that God’s Will is pushes us toward reconciliation, which is after all, the “Right” thing to do…but God works in mysterious ways. Maybe God is placing the inability to “get over it” in our hearts for us to know our heart’s boundaries. And that is why you cannot force the heart. I remember telling a priest that I could not get past what this man had done to me, I could not forgive. And he smiled at me and told me that sometimes God  doesn’t want us to forgive right away and that maybe not forgiving him right then was protecting my family and me from being further hurt. After all God is God, and if He wanted forgiveness to be in our hearts, He would place it there Himself. If you pray for it and it does not come, then it is God’s Will to be that way. So listen to what is inside of you and honor it. In honoring yourself, you are honoring God’s Will.

I did nothing wrong. I trusted, I took a chance and I loved. And then I left. Even the deepest levels of love and devotion have their limits, as they must not only be reciprocated but valued in order to grow strong roots.

That was many years ago and the experience taught me what I can and cannot get over. It taught me about true faith. About my perception of what the “right” thing to do was, about what listening to yourself and your feelings truly means. And now if someone betrays me like that, I walk away the first time, and I don’t look back. You don’t have to be angry or bitter, just know in your heart that that person is not the one for you. Ultimately, Love brings you Peace, and what brings you Peace will bring you happiness. Truly love is a joyful thing. And when you find someone who values you, what you have to give, and holds that sacred, then that is a love without boundaries.

 “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”  – Shakespeare.

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6 thoughts on “Boundaries of the Heart – Getting Past Betrayal

    1. adalamar

      No I am not going to delete it and completley agree with you. I just updated the post to add a little bit more about Faith and God, and the part He plays in it. I would loveto hear what you think so please reread. –

      Many Blessings,

      John

      1. Hey Ada
        Forgiveness is still necessary. God forgave us and sent His Son to die for our sins. Forgiveness does not necessarily equate to taking them back but forgiveness is necessary for you to stop giving that person free rent in your head and heart. My father brutally and sadistically beat me and my 2 brothers and sexually abused his step daughter. I forgave him but banished him from my life because he is poison and not healthy to be around. He died and I did not even go to his funeral. Forgiving allows you to simply dismiss them from your heart and mind. Remember there are tons of very broken people in the world that you can’t make them do right. If they don’t have inner core values, then it is on them and again I say fuck em and be done with them.

        The secret for the man of your life is to find a giver who will give back to you. The other secret is to admit that you have made bad choices and pray that God send the right man, His man into your life. It worked for both me and my sweetie. We both have genuius level IQ’S the same as you and all 3 of us have made multiple bad choices for mates for us. Had I only gotten that message sooner I could have saved myself a lot of heartache

      2. adalamar

        I absolutely agree that forgiveness is necessary. But I think that many people think it must come quickly and if it does not, then you are doing something wrong. that is not the case. Sometimes the negative feelings are there for a reason and can protect you. Sometimes I think God has a plan larger than the one we see. So you have to trust where you are in the process and the feelings you have, and trust that it will happen in God’s time, not our own. Trust and honor what you feel.

        Yes I also agree that I have made bad decisions in the past and am working on learning why. Yes, I do need to find another giver. If you cannot find saomeone that gives back, then the relationship is very off balance and not healthy. That is what I have experienced and learned in the past. My priorities are different and I am learning every day. And I am taking time off dating until further notice.

      3. adalamar

        And again, I always appreciate your input and advice. So glad you are happy and have found a woman who gives back to you. 🙂

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