A good friend of mine and I were talking the other night. She was very upset because the man she had been dating for 8 months had cheated on her. Of course she broke up with him after finding out. And as she was telling me of her hurt and dismay about the situaion, she said the thing that hurt most was that he never even said he was sorry.
Apologies. Are so important, but one has to care enough to be sorry. And it is a very hurtful thing when you find out someone cares so little for you, for your feelings, for what they did, that they cannot even muster up what it takes to say sorry. A deep cut from a sharp knife.
But I told her that while an apology would sooth her feelings, she could not wait for it or depend upon it to heal. If he was so cruel…then she did not need an apology from him. She was strong enough to do without it. I honestly don’t know why some people do wrong by others and refuse to apologize. I don’t know if they truly don’t care enough, if it is a matter of pride, if they just don’t want to admit it, or a thousand other reasons. But I do know that if you depend on someone to say they are sorry before you move on and heal then you are going to have a lot of open wounds. You are also giving that person a lot of power over your well being. You are in charge of your emotions and well being, don’t give that power to someone else, especially someone who doesn’t deserve it.
My crazy ex never has apologized for attacking me, refuses to even acknowledge it. And my most recent ex who sent me the breakup email While my father was in ICU? Nope, no apology for the timing of that email either. …Maybe neither one of them think they did anything wrong, that what they did was justified and not bad form. Regardless of what I, my friends, or the rest of the world thinks, unless they think and care enough, an apology not going to happen. And regardless of how much it hurts, you have to be willing to let go without it.
I told her to move on with Grace. You hold your head up, you smile, you acknowledge what they did, say thank for for the lesson, and move on. Their lack of remorse only shows their lack of class, not yours, I told her. And it is true. You cannot control what someone does, but you can control your reaction. Chin up, and always act like a lady. After all, if they aren’t losing any sleep over it, why should you? The likelihood of either one of my ex’s ever apologizing is slim to none. But that is OK, because my life was fine before and it will be fine now. Let the burden be on their conscience, mine is clear.
Don’t get me wrong, it hurts when someone is just an ass, and doesn’t even care or does not have the emotional capacity to see how their actions made you feel. It hurts when even during a break up you are treated as a disposable napkin…I have been there. And that is what your best friends are for…you cry to them, you eat ice cream, you drink wine, you go out with other men and remember how to laugh. Would an apology be welcome and help heal? Absolutely. Is it neccesary for a great life moving forward? Absolutly not.
I have learned recently that letting go is an art form. It is not about being the bigger person, it is not even about forgiveness really, it’s not about them at all, it’s about you. And you have to let go of all those hurt feelings, of the pain of someone not caring, of no apologies, of no remorse. Because it is in the letting go that you find peace. And then when you smile at the next man, it can be sincere and with hesitation.