Communication is Key: Part II


Communication is the key to any relationship.We know this. And yet, still sometimes we can still mess it up. Take me for example. The last Communication piece was all about the guy, now it is time for it to be all about me. As in, what I did wrong. Sometimes we need to look in hte mirror if we are going to be honest. Get comfy, pull up a chair, and get ready to read. Could, shoulda, woulda, never did anything for anyone, but here is the list anyway. (And I know the crazy ex is going top have a field day making comments, making fun of me and dancing a jig when he reads this.)

Yes, maybe he should have let me know, after being MIA that he was still very interested, just busy. But I should have handled my part of it better too. Mistake #1, I should not have sent that email that pretty much read I am feeling neglected, pay some attention to me or we should end it. Oh yes, My insecurities and I did just that. Wow. I didn’t realize at the time how much that sounded like an ultimatum. What I should have done? Either left it alone and let him come around, or maybe send him an email asking if he had been a bit busy and offered to cook him dinner when he was available for the evening. Dinner, a massage and let someone spoil him a bit…that would have gone over much better. What was I thinking?

Then when I did not receive an answer fast enough, it was yes, we are done because new man and I are dating. I also tell him how disappointed I was in him for doing the slow fade out. Being the nice guy that he is, that is when he admits that he is/was very interested and was truly just buys with life/work/family things. What?? You mean he is still interested?? How do I fix this?? Emails are traded back and forth and  immediately say Ooops! misjudged the situation…over and over….What should I have done? Well, if I had done what I should have to begin with I would not have been in that mess. But try to fix it was all I could do.

I think we are about to get back together and we deal with the other “date.” I drop the date, but the fact that I was even talking with someone else (and that is as far as it went, just conversations, nothing else) was what did it. I sent explanations that I only let myself be pursued because I thought he was not interested. But the deal was sealed (I think, anyway, not sure). Too little too late.

So that is it. How, can someone so gifted with words and writing be so horrible at communication and relationships? I have no idea. Well, actually yes I do, but that is not for the public. Do I deserve for him to walk away? No, absolutely not. Is what I want to say. But if I judge myself as harshly as I have judged others in the past…I would have to say you snooze, you loose.

And I lost.

What have I learned? That even when all the proof is looking bad, if you really like someone, you give them the benefit of the doubt and be patient.  You do not jump to conclusions because of your insecurities. And you do not cause stupid, unnecessary high school drama in an other wise great dating relationship because of those insecurities. You wait. Yes, you wait or you find a very kind way (like inviting for dinner and a massage) to see if he is interested. And you do not ever use the the fact that someone else may be interested as a weapon.

Learn from my mistakes, and they are big ones. Learn so that yo do not lose a great guy too. There are somethings I’m sorry can’t fix. And in life, there are no do-overs.  If I had done what I should have done, I would probably be cooking dinner and giving a massage about right now.

So ladies, a word of advice, calm down. Communicate with love and affection. Do not go to your guy with accusations and harsh words. You will harsh word him right out of your life.

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5 thoughts on “Communication is Key: Part II

  1. Hey Ada
    Very well written and self analyzed. From a friend man’s point of view let me let you in on what a guy thinks. Inside every rough tough gruff man is the soul of a little boy whose feelings are CRUSHED by harsh and/or hateful woman’s words that he cares about. Sadly we are taught not to show our feelings.

    Now as to the written word, it is SO EASILY misinterpreted. You see communication is only about 15% of the written word. The rest of communication is non verbal cues that you have to be there to interpret.

    You see as you are composing words and putting them to paper of cyberspace, you see in your mind’s eye what you are trying to communicate and it is as pure as the driven snow. People can’t see inside your mind and don’t have that non verbal and they see your words through their own prism which distorts the words and the meaning.

    That is why I counsel people when they have important things to talk about to sit down in the same room close and face to face and then GENTLY explain your feelings.

    I am so sorry, it was going so well for you too.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John

  2. Very, very proud of you, Ada! Wow! You are really ready to start loving yourself again a little bit, don’t you think? You seem to have a good handle on the Golden Rule now!

    1. adalamar

      THank you Granbee. Well, it is not the golden rule per say, as it is just not jumping to comclusions. Because this man did not communicate (which he should have done), I made incorrect assumptions. If I had handled the situation better, asked questions instead, then it may have come put differently. I have never singlehandedly done something to mess up a relationship before…and I have to tell you, it sucks.

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