He’s Just Not That Into You


Over the years, many have come to me for dating advice. Maybe it is because I don’t sugar coat it. Recently several friends have talked to me about guys who just…didn’t seem to follow through. It is a mystifying behavior that seems to plague men all over the world, but to me it is actually quite simple. Here is what I told them.

I am really big on the “He’s Just not the into you” theory. Bottom line is, men don’t play hard to get, so if a man is interested in you, he will pursue you. None of this “I’ll call you”, and then he doesn’t, none of the, “I’ve just been really busy” excuses. I have dated a lot of busy men…and they have never been too busy to pursue me. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if he is not contacting you – by text, email, phone, IM, whatever…then he is just not that interested and you need to move on.

One of my good friends recently was confused when a man who was pursuing her quite persistently, suddenly stopped. As in practically cold turkey. A few text, but that was about it. No lunch or dinner invitations, no real phone conversations, nothing. I told her one of two things happened. A) either he decided he is not interested or b) he is more interested in someone else. Ouch.

Another friend told me that a guy she had been seeing had text messaged her a few times, said he liked her and said wanted to keep seeing her…but never actually got around to asking her out again. No phone calls, no emails…so if this has happened to you, please refer to the above paragraph. If he is saying how much he likes you, but not actually doing anything to show you, no dates or communication …he is either not interested, or is just keeping you as an option if things don’t work out with the girl he is currently pursuing. Ouch.

No matter how sweet he is, no matter how charming, if he is not actually acting interested…then he isn’t. And that hurts the ego a bit. But it is just a fact of life. It is disappointing when someone you liked, or thought you might like, doesn’t pursue. But men are the pursuers, and they go after what they want. I personally like men who are bold in their moves and pursuit of me. It cuts through the clutter. So if a man is not pursuing, it makes it that much easier to tell it is time to delete his info from my phone. Harsh? Not really. I wish them well in their future pursuits, no harm, no foul. I just don’t want my phone to get cluttered.

Guys are pretty simple creatures and they don’t like confrontation. Maybe that explains why some just fade away leaving a girl confused instead of actually saying the obvious. If a man really likes you, he will pursue you – period. Because he will not want you to get away. And if he is not pursuing you…then he doesn’t like you enough. So move girls. But don’t worry, because when you are not giving your time to someone who isn’t interested, you suddenly have time for the man who is.

So that is pretty much my advice on the matter. Actions speak louder than words so girls don;t waste you time on a guy who isn’t acting interested.  So guys, if you are interested in a girl, then let her know. Because of you don’t, she just may accept a date from another man who was faster on the dial  – or text, or email…

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6 thoughts on “He’s Just Not That Into You

  1. Ada, while I agree with you for the most part here, I have observed once or twice over the decades that sometimes a man actually has something really shattering occur in his life–a family member is killed in an accident, he is terminated from his job quite unexpectedly, something comes up covered by a high level of security that calls him away and he is not free to communicate about it at all! Of course, these occasions are the exception, rather than the rule! A true, deep interest will normally drive a man to stay in active contact, at the very least.

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