Grace and Thoughts


Yesterday was a very emotional and wonderful day for me, to find out that my father’s cancer is gone, liver cancer which is almost always a death sentence because it has been considered “Incurable,” is tremendous. To find that he will be fine once he gets over the effects of his last round of chemo, has left me stunned and amazed.

There truly are no words to describe the feeling. Both my parents have now survived and been cured or incurable, terminal cancers. It is a realization that has had a profound effect on me.

Yesterday, I sobbed. I sobbed outof happiness,  out of thankfulness, out of amazement and out of humbleness. Miracles have that effect on people. And my family has had a wonderful stream of miracles.

And I sobbed for another reason yesterday. How can I  be worthy of such miracles? I do not deserve them. I have done nothing that good. I have not been to church in many months, actually before the attack. I have not forgiven, I am still angry, I have not earned what I have been given. And yet, there is Grace for me.

And I have not been to service because I have not felt like I can ask forgiveness from God when I cannot forgive others. How can I? And this very wise person said to me, that I do no have to, that God’s forgiveness and love are a gift. His Grace is a gift. He can forgive us because he is God and is capable of infinite love. He is much more capable than we, in our limited human state, can even comprehend. Why, how, then would I expect myself to be at that level and able to forgive? If I cannot it is because I am human and have human limitations. But God’s Grace is there for me, and that is why it is called Grace.

And I sobbed. From the very deepest places within me, I sobbed.  It is one thing to read about the Grace of God, it is entirely another thing to have the realization that it is truly gifted to you when you try with all you have and still come up short.

This morning, I slept a bit late and let this really sink into me, into those deep places that seldom see light, into my soul and my inner conscienceness. And today, though I still walk around a bit stunned, I can feel something creep in….it is a joy that I have not felt in a long time. A joy deeper than I thought it could go. And I truly believe that anything is possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been a very faithful and optimistic person, but this is deeper than I have felt before. It is more than a belief, it is a knowing. And how can I not know? How can I look at my parents, both who should be on deaths door with cancer, and not carry the belief that there are an infinite amount of possibilities out there? How can I not believe that my dreams can really come true when I look at the miracles in my family?

And so it is with this renewed sense of joy that I great the world with today, and every day from this day forward, with thankfulness in my heart, God in my soul, Grace in my mind and a sense of adventure in my hands.

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8 thoughts on “Grace and Thoughts

  1. Hey Ada:
    You need to forgive not for him but for yourself. If you don’t you will be eaten up with hatred.

    I don’t in any way mean to dismiss or make light of your horrific experience but what you lived with for a very brief time, I grew up with on a consistent basis for the first 14 years of my life. He thought nothing of lifting us by our necks, choking us and slamming our heads against the wall, beating us until we bled and/or lost control of bodily functions, kicked us the shins until we couldn’t walk or shattering my nose when I was 6 and knocking me across the room and bouncing me against the wall for the sin of interrupting him when he was tallking.

    He routinely sexually abused my 12 year old stepsister that she traded him for letting her drink booze and then blamed her becuase she ran around in front of him in bra and panties when her mother was not home.

    I forgave him because he took too much free rent space in my head and I was eaten up with hate.
    Once I forgave him, I put him out of my mind and out of my life and never contacted him again because he was poison. You need to do the same. You know that I am on your side here.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John

    1. adalamar

      Yes, forgiveness is for me, but it also comes in time and cannot be rushed. The wise person who reminded me of God’s Grace also reminded me that it also may be God’s plan for me not to forgive right now. There is a process of healing and right now I still must be very much on guard because I am still being stalked. In time, when it is right and appropriate, God will lead me to forgiveness, and I must trust His timing.

      Until then, I have His Grace.

      1. adalamar

        Also, just because I have not forgiven does not mean I am eaten uo with anger and hatred. Quite the opposite. Yes I am still angry, but I can feel anger about a person or situation and still have it not rule my life. Sometimes anger can be a positive thing, sometimes it is what is needed to motivate. As long as it is not held onto past it’s time. And when it is time to let it go, I will.

  2. We all know the “Footprints” story. There is a difference between Infantry (who carry themselves into battle) and Cavalry (who are carried into battle by the strength, loyalty and devotion of one of the most majestic creatures on the planet). There is a reason He is carrying you. Use it.

  3. I read this thrice it reminds me of so many situations where I don’t know whom I can hold onto specially when my father died, I exactly felt the same until one day God find me the way to make me feel that He never leave me even in times that I am doubt of my faith. And God is really good… I am so happy with you and to your family… God Bless Ada… 🙂

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