On Dating

Some have called me a relationship expert. While I would not go that far, I have learned some valuable lessons that can be shared. I have had several requests

• Respect yourself – If you respect yourself, then others will too. If you do not respect yourself you will allow others to treat you any way they see fit. It’s not about them, it’s about you.
• Speak – There is no value in playing coy. Speak your mind, and if a man doesn’t like it, he is not the right man.  You have to speak up if you want to have have your needs met in a relationship. Suffering in silence does no one any good.
• Be feisty – Don’t be afraid to be feisty, Demand respect, call a man on his shit, and don’t be willing to compromise on deal breakers or what is important to you. There are men out there who will try to knock you down and insult you for being feisty and standing up for yourself. Don’t listen to them. You don’t have to be mean or ugly, simply don’t be afraid to stand up for what you want in a relationship.
• Be a lady – If you behave like a contestant on Jerry Springer, you will have men and relationships that could be on Jerry Springer. Always be a lady…and men will treat you like one. If a man does not treat you like a lady, which means with respect and kindness, then he is not the man for you. Walk away.
• Believe them the first time – There is a saying that when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. This is very true in dating. If the man mistreats you, then he has shown you who he is. Love should feel good, it should not hurt. And sometimes we spend so much time trying to hang on or fix what feels bad that we forget to make room for what feels good. If the relationship you are in doesn’t feel good, then it’s time to walk away. Believe them the first time…
• You don’t have to be the nice girl – While you should always be a lady, you don’t always have to be “nice.” That means don’t be afraid to walk away, or simply not take any crap. Sometimes it is easy to get caught in the Nice girl trap…you give chance after chance to a guy who keeps mistreating you. Because you want to be nice, because you want to be fair, because you don’t want to be a bitch. Forget that! If he doesn’t treat you right, he doesn’t deserve another chance. The only men who have ever resented me not taking any of their crap, where those who were really trying to get away with something. If the guys is right for you, there will be no crap that you have to take or put up with.
• Sex – A relationship is much more than sex. However, life is too short to settle for bad sex. So if you are not getting what you want, talk to him about it, and if that doesn’t work, move on.
• Know that you are good enough.  When in the game of dating, it is easy to have doubts about yourself. My friends and I have been criticized for not picking up the tab on a first date (we are the girls) to dressing too sexy, to not dressing sexy enough, making too much money, not making enough…and everything in between. While it is natural to have doubts, know that you are good enough. you are pretty enough, you are sexy enough. You, just you, are enough, just the way you are. And however you are…own it.
• Be honest. Dating should be fun, but don’t play games with others feelings. Karma is a bitch, and you do not want to cross her.
• Have fun. Dating should be fun. Laugh, play, enjoy yourself and the intrigue of getting to know another human being. And who knows, maybe you could find the love of your life.
• Move slow. People are complex and flawed, don’t rush in.  Falling in love is a wonderful, beautiful process and sometimes we are in such a hurry, we forget to enjoy the process. Taking your time also makes sure that he is what you think he is. When we rush in, we can give the other person characteristics that they may or may not have. We can make assumptions about who and what they are. Only time will tell. And if a man starts moving faster than what you are comfortable with, then that is a red flag. Some men move quickly for a reason. If you express not wanting to move fast, and he pressures you anyway, walk away.
• Red Flags. Pay attention to them. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in dating and liking that person, that we ignore those red flags. Paying attention to them can save you from a broken heart, a lot of drama and could even safe your life.
• Trust your gut. No matter what, always follow your gut. So many times we, especially women, ignore our gut feelings because we can’t put a finger on the red flag or feeling of uneasiness. We want to be nice, to give that persona chance…but our guts are good to us, and rarely, if ever, wrong. No matter what anyone says, always trust your gut.
• Laugh. Laugh with him, laugh when one of you does something silly, laugh after a fight, and if you have a bad date, laugh at him while having wine with your girlfriends.

This is a start. Now go out there are date. 🙂