They come often, but their frequency has lessened. It used to be every night, every time I closed my eyes, I would see his face twisted in rage, hear his voice when he said “Goodnight bitch I am going to kill you.” Feel his hands on my throat as I would wake up gasping. I have had many variations of the nightmare…not just what really happened, but that he has tried to drown me, burn me, bury me alive.  IN all but one the ending is the same. All repeating the same thing – “Goodnight bitch…”

I wish they would go away, I wish to sleep without any interruptions. I wish to move on and find another love. I wish to have Peace in my sleep. And I will, eventually. I will go back to sleep, and I will know that they are just nightmares. My ex is not Freddy Crugar and can no longer harm me. The lack of sleep has not been good for the tummy though, which has already been very unsettled recently. Can’t wait for that part to be over too. Crackers have been my friend.

And the lies he told, wow.  Things I am not even physically capable of. I do wonder how I fell in love with someone like that.  I must have had a big red target painted on my forehead. And never an apology. Never once an I am so sorry…but then what exactly would he say? Gee, sorry I hurt you, beat you, tried to kill you…? They don’t make Hallmark cards for that.

So I wait for nightmares to go away.  I go back to sleep because tomorrow is another day of promise, of renewal, of trusted people being around me to celebrate all that is good in my life. And there is so much to celebrate.

3 thoughts on “Nightmares

  1. I predict when you find a new love that you are sleeping with, the nightmares will go away because you will not only feel loved but more importantly protected. As I said previously, God gave men superior strength to protect our women and not to use it against them.

    Blessings on you


  2. adalamar

    I hope it comes before that as it may be a while before I date again.

    As a couselor I have to ask…when is the right time to consider dating again? AT first I thought I should wait until the nightmares go away, until I feel like i am on better foooting emotionally. I don,t think it is fair to bring that kind of baggage into a new relaitonship.

    Then I think that maybe it wold not matter, as I am working thorugh the issues.



  3. I say don’t let the bastard win. You are well on your way to healing. Start dating now. If you are attracted to a guy and consider him mate material, sleep with him. You would be surprised at how having a man sleep with you will make you feel protected. I would volunteer in the meantime (no hanky panky) I am very cuddly in bed and sleep better with my arm wrapped around a human teddy bear. In fact I would volunteer to be your body guard for the next month and go everywhere with you. I would really like to administer some of his own medicine to him anonymously of course and with the warning that if he ever came near you again, I would finish the job.
    Sociopaths can’t be cured BTW. They only get worse and more violent.
    I don’t want you to be the final victim that sends him to jail. I don’t want to lose you. You have a sweet spirit as well as a great mind. The world needs you, not the likes of your ex


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