They come often, but their frequency has lessened. It used to be every night, every time I closed my eyes, I would see his face twisted in rage, hear his voice when he said “Goodnight bitch I am going to kill you.” Feel his hands on my throat as I would wake up gasping. I have had many variations of the nightmare…not just what really happened, but that he has tried to drown me, burn me, bury me alive. IN all but one the ending is the same. All repeating the same thing – “Goodnight bitch…”
I wish they would go away, I wish to sleep without any interruptions. I wish to move on and find another love. I wish to have Peace in my sleep. And I will, eventually. I will go back to sleep, and I will know that they are just nightmares. My ex is not Freddy Crugar and can no longer harm me. The lack of sleep has not been good for the tummy though, which has already been very unsettled recently. Can’t wait for that part to be over too. Crackers have been my friend.
And the lies he told, wow. Things I am not even physically capable of. I do wonder how I fell in love with someone like that. I must have had a big red target painted on my forehead. And never an apology. Never once an I am so sorry…but then what exactly would he say? Gee, sorry I hurt you, beat you, tried to kill you…? They don’t make Hallmark cards for that.
So I wait for nightmares to go away. I go back to sleep because tomorrow is another day of promise, of renewal, of trusted people being around me to celebrate all that is good in my life. And there is so much to celebrate.