The Myth of Unconditional Love


There is a myth that we live with every day. We are taught to believe in it, to seek it out, to only be happy until we have found it. It is the promise of unconditional love. The idea that someone will love us, and we are to love them, no matter what. But the fact is, unconditional love does not exist, except between parents and children. And I don’t think that is a bad thing.  Let’s face it, love, in the romantic sense, is anything but unconditional. Love and romance in this day and age is very conditional.

First you must be attracted to that person. There must be enough of a spark of interest that you want to know a bit more about them than the basics. Then you must have similar likes, dislikes, backgrounds and values. Then we must find them physically attractive, we must find there scent pleasing, their voice, their habits as well. And there must be enough to make us fall in love.

Then when we are in love, it is still anything but unconditional. We all, every one of us, have conditions on our love. They are called dealbreakers. They are the things we cannot deal with, what can break our love.  They are also called standards. They are things like infedility, abuse, being irrisponsible with money, lying, doing drugs.  Whatever it is that would make you walk away from what and who you loved. They are what you will not tolerate in a relationship.

Those are the conditions. And there are always conditions. My conditions were being abused. My conditions were his hands around my neck. I could never love someone like that. I will never love someone like that.  Every time I see someone being abused or beaten in a movie…the first thought in my mind is…He would love watching this, because this is what he likes to do to a woman.  And what if someone else attacked me?  Would start cheering them on? Would he help them beat me?  And then I wonder if he has ever raped a woman. I mean, how far of a jump is it from hitting and choking a woman, to forcing yourself into her?  And I wonder if Cialis was the only thing that kept him from raping me that morning.

When I was younger, I always asked my dates if they thought a husband could rape his wife. Depending on their answer, I would not go out with them again. I had conditions on falling in love even. And we all do. Who we fall in love with is no accident and it is very conditional. And if someone has self esteem, their love is very conditional. We all have those deal breakers, those things we will not tolerate, and we should.

And thus is the myth of unconditional love.

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3 thoughts on “The Myth of Unconditional Love

  1. adalamar

    If the love is a true love, hopefully you will never have to find out if it is unconditional. Hopefully the person will never do anything to make you question it. And that is the point. We all have to have standards and lines that cannot be crossed. The trick is to find someone who loves you enough to not ever cross those lines and vise versa. In that aspect, then yes you can have unconditional love. But unconditional love does not mean that the person can treat you any way they want and you will stay with them. It means, I think, that they treat you better, and vise versa.

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