It has often been said that life is an exercise of trust. Unfortunately, like may exercises, is not an easy one, especially for me. Right now I feel like I am walking a tightrope in the dark. Faith is also an exercise in trust. Faith I am good at, trusting…not so much. It is hard to trust when things are so uncertain, at least they seem uncertain.
I worry and I wonder. It is just a strange place to be in, and it is uncomfortable to have so much out of my control. I am not used to that. I am a person who moves mountains and makes things happen. I have worked hard and accomplished much. I have been very blessed but I have also worked my tail off. Now there is not much to do, but wait and let time take it’s course. To let it all unfold as it will.
I must believe that good will win over evil, that most men are good people, and that one day I will find someone to hold me again. I want so hard that sometimes it just hurts. I want to be happy, really happy again, where I can’t top walking on my tip toes. I want to believe again, I want to have a wedding, a real one, where my husband to be loves me and truly honors and cherishes me. I want to have that family. I want to be pregnant, feel the baby kick and reach for my husbands hand so he can feel it too.
I remember seeing and interview with Elizabeth Taylor and someone asked her what she would want on her tombstone. And she smiled and said “She lived.” And that is what I want, to really live. To have that kind of life that is so full with life and goodness that there is no room for anything else negative. But I guess if you really live you must really feel pain. I hate that part of it. But to have one you must have the other. And to really live you must trust in Time and Faith.
But this whole experience has shaken me right down to my bones. The amount of lies that I have discovered. I cannot comprehend that kind of dishonesty. I am from the way that if you do something wrong you admit to it and take your punishment. And you do it because it is the right thing to do. But there were so many lies in our relationship, who and what he was, I do not even know this man I was going to marry. If he was the man I thought he was, he would never have put his hands on me. And if he was any kind of man, and not just a coward and a bully, if he had any honor, he would stand up and admit to what he did and take the punishment that was given. But his father obviously did not teach him that.
So I have a little trouble with trust at the moment. But So I just have to go by what I know and by what I believe. I know I will be OK. I my friends and family will be there for me no matter what. I believe that the trust will win, I believe that men are mostly good, and I believe in love. I believe in Time, I know prayer works, I know my conscience is clear and I sleep sound at night. I believe that God is my safety net while walking on this tightrope in the dark, so I know I can never truly fall. And I believe in chocolate.