The Peace in That Which We Seek

We all find ourselves in interesting, introspective places many times in our lives. Time to take a few steps back, take stock, take direction, take time. I suppose this is where I find myself recently. I have found that I feel much disappointment and anger with dating and  am rather disenchanted with the opposite sex. How can I possibly be so disenchanted, jaded and angry with men and still wanting to be in a relationship? I am not sure, and this is the strange place I find myself.

I set out, sometime last year, with an open heart and optimistic mind.  I was going to date up a storm, have many adventures, laughs and stories to tell. And at the end, I was going to have found a special man to settle in and have a relationship.  I joined dating sites, had friends set me up, asked men out myself . Yes, I was going to be proactive and find him. Young, attractive and determined, I knew I was in for a ride.

And that is how it would have happened if I had written it. But, no matter how bad you want that great ending, life has a way of writing it’s own stories. The past 9 months have been a dismal display of men and dates.  There was the man who wanted an open swinger relationship (something he finally confessed after 3 months of dating), there was the man who wanted to tie me up and lock me in a closet, there was the man who broke up with me because he thought me not picking up the tab for dinner showed a lack of generosity and character, then the last, was the friend who can’t bare to have me as just a friend, but who can’t stand the thought of a relationship either. That was the deepest cut of all, because saying goodbye to someone who was a romantic interest is one thing, saying goodbye to a friend is another.

So it is here I stand, at the crossroads of streets whose names are unfamiliar. I am ready for a long-term relationship, ready to build something that lasts, that grows as it changes with time. The question I have is, is any one else ready?  And I don’t mean any man, I mean a great man, one who strike all the right chords. Not one is perfect, but one who is strong, honest, dependable, consistent. Roller coasters are great at amusement parks, but are terrible in your personal life.

I am disappointed by what I have seen. Disappointed in the lack of honesty, communication, honor, truthfulness, disclosure. Disappointed in the high level of sophistication of games and deception. Who knew dating could be as dangerous as espionage? As yet another celebrity confession of an unfaithful husband surfaces, this time it’s The Arnold, I wonder if there is any hope of finding that companion of which I speak? Any men who are actually younger than 65?

I am angry. I am hurt. I am very, inescapably, vulnerable. And as I carry my angry, hurt, vulnerable heart, beat by beat, I know deep down that this must subside before I try again. It is hard to stay optimistic sometimes, as the landscape  seems as cold, hard and unfamiliar as a frozen tundra. And as I nurse my wounds and look to find that warm place by the fire, I realize it will have to be my own fireside, my own home, where all is protected and safe.  We all possess the capacity to reach deep down within ourselves to be the strength in which we need, to be the Peace in that which we seek.


10 thoughts on “The Peace in That Which We Seek

  1. I feel your pain. Trust me the women out there are just as messed up.

    What you have to have is an attitude change. Kind of hard when you keep getting the weirdos.

    Dating is a numbers game. You have to go through x number of assholes before you hit the plum guy. Remember, you have become more discerning in your maturity and want more from a relationship. This reduces the number of eligible men because you have set for yourself certain filters. There are a lot of broken people in the world.

    Better to spend some time talking to guys on the phone before actually going out with them.

    Blessings on you and yours


    1. adalamar

      You make very good points, and I am working on this. I want to date a very normal man who is ready for a relationship. There are no gaurantees that someone will like you, but that is what dating is for – getting to know somone and if you like them, being open to the possibility of it working out to a long-term relationship.

      I am familiar with the numbers game, which is one of the reasons I started online dating. I thought if I can hurry up and go through all my bad dates/assholes, I could hurry up and find the nice guy…not really working for me.

      Any phychogical insights on what that man might “look like” per say? His phychological profile so to speak?


      1. In reality, he is the male mirror image of you. Trust me there are good guys out there.
        Would you like to chat on the phone? I would be glad to give you my number. I too am looking for Ms Right.


  2. Just an adedendum; You need to talk to guys on the phone and get certain facts out before going out with them. David Popenoe of the Marriage Project states the best chance for success is shared values and beliefs. You need to know where they are politically. Trust me you don’t want to mix liberals and conservatives. You also need a shared faith. These are basics. Then you need to know if the guy is serious about finding a lasting relationship or just wants to have fun.

    The sexual revolution has hurt women because far too many women give up sex too early in the hopes that it will cause the guy to want to keep them. All that does is to feed the players who want to bed hop. I am not saying wait until marriage of course, but you need to be in a committed relationship before engaging in sex for your own good. I hope that this helps.



  3. adalamar

    Yes, I agree with you here. And i have had long conversations over the phone with guys I have met online. Agree with you on dating mixing politics (remembe rthe German?) and faiths. And I do ask about what they want, let them know that I am looking for something long term, if they are not to please step aside. What I have seen is that they say they are, then…date only to later say that they are not ready…this has happened several times and I want to break the pattern.

    The sex thing is very true, and I agree I have done both – waited and npot waited. Both ened up the same, but at least with waiting i did not feel used.


    1. adalamar

      Hey! Yes, things are going very well with the new guy…I have taken your advice and am going in all the way. It has really been wonderful.

      I will call you this weekend. Would love to chat and rub some things by you. 🙂


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