We all find ourselves in interesting, introspective places many times in our lives. Time to take a few steps back, take stock, take direction, take time. I suppose this is where I find myself recently. I have found that I feel much disappointment and anger with dating and am rather disenchanted with the opposite sex. How can I possibly be so disenchanted, jaded and angry with men and still wanting to be in a relationship? I am not sure, and this is the strange place I find myself.
I set out, sometime last year, with an open heart and optimistic mind. I was going to date up a storm, have many adventures, laughs and stories to tell. And at the end, I was going to have found a special man to settle in and have a relationship. I joined dating sites, had friends set me up, asked men out myself . Yes, I was going to be proactive and find him. Young, attractive and determined, I knew I was in for a ride.
And that is how it would have happened if I had written it. But, no matter how bad you want that great ending, life has a way of writing it’s own stories. The past 9 months have been a dismal display of men and dates. There was the man who wanted an open swinger relationship (something he finally confessed after 3 months of dating), there was the man who wanted to tie me up and lock me in a closet, there was the man who broke up with me because he thought me not picking up the tab for dinner showed a lack of generosity and character, then the last, was the friend who can’t bare to have me as just a friend, but who can’t stand the thought of a relationship either. That was the deepest cut of all, because saying goodbye to someone who was a romantic interest is one thing, saying goodbye to a friend is another.
So it is here I stand, at the crossroads of streets whose names are unfamiliar. I am ready for a long-term relationship, ready to build something that lasts, that grows as it changes with time. The question I have is, is any one else ready? And I don’t mean any man, I mean a great man, one who strike all the right chords. Not one is perfect, but one who is strong, honest, dependable, consistent. Roller coasters are great at amusement parks, but are terrible in your personal life.
I am disappointed by what I have seen. Disappointed in the lack of honesty, communication, honor, truthfulness, disclosure. Disappointed in the high level of sophistication of games and deception. Who knew dating could be as dangerous as espionage? As yet another celebrity confession of an unfaithful husband surfaces, this time it’s The Arnold, I wonder if there is any hope of finding that companion of which I speak? Any men who are actually younger than 65?
I am angry. I am hurt. I am very, inescapably, vulnerable. And as I carry my angry, hurt, vulnerable heart, beat by beat, I know deep down that this must subside before I try again. It is hard to stay optimistic sometimes, as the landscape seems as cold, hard and unfamiliar as a frozen tundra. And as I nurse my wounds and look to find that warm place by the fire, I realize it will have to be my own fireside, my own home, where all is protected and safe. We all possess the capacity to reach deep down within ourselves to be the strength in which we need, to be the Peace in that which we seek.