Show Me How to Love You


The most loving thing you can say to your partner is ‘Show me how to love you.’ – Steven Stosney, Psychology Today

When we were children, loving came naturally.  There were no walls to break down, no issues to work through, no jobs or money to worry about.  We just loved, we did not need to be shown how.  Sometime, in between teenage and now, we have lost this instinct a bit. So when I sat down and read another article about relationships, I was not really expecting to learn much, then this line nearly knocked me to the floor.

We all need and want to be loved.  And many of us, like me, are actively looking for a relationship, and when we get it….? Do we know what to do with it?  Do we know how to sustain this illusive thing we are looking for? In this day and age of being clear and knowing exactly what you want, could it possibly be ok to admit that some of us at least, have no idea what we are doing? Or {Gulp} could even be bad at it?

The article mentioned that feeling inadequate encouraged learning in every human area – except love.  That feelings of inadequacy in relationships seem to stimulate feelings of being unlovable or that the way we love is not good enough. We feel inadequate, there for we are.  This can promote looking to our partner to blame.  It can also contribute to feelings of insecurity.

Looking back at the demise of my last attempt at dating, I have been very guilty of this very thing.  I let my feelings of being inadequate make me insecure and blamed my then partner.  Now, not saying he did not play a part in our demise…but I did not handle things in a way that was conducive to a healthy relationship.

In relationships, it seems we can get so caught up in making sure that we voice our needs and how we want to be loved, that we forget the very important and very compassionate request: Show me how to love you. This can be a very hard thing to ask, espcially when we are hurt. If I had made that simple request, things still might have ended, but it would have been a much more honest conversation.

So, here is my admission. I am inadequate. I don’t know what the hell I am doing in relationships (of course, this might be already known to regular readers). I stumble, get insecure, lash out when hurt, clam up when vulnerable….and forget to ask that important question. But I will try, hard, to remember next time. Because I want to learn. Join me, won’t you?

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10 thoughts on “Show Me How to Love You

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