Spring Cleaning

It’s that time of year again, when we get all excited that the days get longer and the weather is warmer.  Windows are up for fresh air to come inside, the heavy blankets give way to lighter, breezier sheets.  Bulky sweaters are put away for another season and the skirts and short sleeves are once again brought out.  There is camping and time outside on the patio, and we all seem to be just a little bit giddy.

It’s Spring.  And it is here just in time.

Spring also means spring cleaning, and this year it is especially exciting for me.  Life has come full circle and it is time to really clean up and clean out.  And isn’t there something so cathartic about getting rid of all the old baggage and that which is no longer needed or used?  Dusting off, turning on, cleaning out, getting rid, slimming down, and lifting up.  And this year it not only extends to things, this year, for me it also means people.  I have gotten rid of those who no longer serve my interests.  And it must be done from time to time to keep things well and healthy.

The fact is, cleaning people out of your life doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just that they no longer serve you, or any purpose in your life.  We  must learn discernment in our circle.  We must be careful of whom we let in.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn – I always thought everyone deserves a chance and the benefit of the doubt from the beginning.  No, they don’t.  You must trust your gut and if your gut tells you that there is something off, then trust it and keep a distance.

And getting rid of someone doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means they have no place in your life anymore.  And sometimes it is hard, when relationships and friendships become unhealthy.  A dear friend told me recently that he had feelings for me. He was very drunk and the confession was followed by inappropriate advances and suggestions. After my refusal and letting him know I was dating someone, there was lasing out with angry text messages.  It was hard, but he was out.  No one treats me, or speaks to me, in that way.  His actions and words were disrespectful and extremely hurtful. Maybe one day, when ample time has passed, and he is geographically distanced, there will be contact again.  But for now the toxicity of the friendship deemed it worthy of termination.

Keeping your inner circle closed shows self respect and value.  Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.  Not everyone has something to add to your life. And indeed, some will deplete you if you let them.  Toxic people and relationships will bleed you of your energy, emotions and intention. You will give so much to that relationship or situation, that others positives in your life go neglected. So make sure you take a look at those who surround you, those who are close. Examine your relationships to make sure that you are not settling for less than you deserve. Friendship is not free; loyalty, honestly, respect and integrity are the wages and must be paid in full.

What is important is that who is left in your life are those who are truly the best for you.  Those who will support you, cheer you on, and even give you a kick in the pants when you need it. After that what is left is space for everything good and wonderful to come in.  You cannot make a new life, holding onto what, and who, does not serve you.

Now I am feeling lighter than I did before the cleaning process began, I breath easier, and my shoulders are not as tense. I truly believe that one of the keys to happiness is making sure you have genuine, loyal, positive, supportive people around you, who truly know how to love and be good humans.

Yes, welcome to Spring!  I look forward to many good times, smile and great memories ahead.

The Decisions We Keep

“We all experience doubts and fears as we approach new challenges. The fear diminishes with the confidence that comes from experience and faith. Sometimes you just have to go for it and see what happens. Jumping into the battle does not guarantee victory, but being afraid to try guarantees defeat.” – Brian Goodell, Olympic Gold Medalist

As I sit pout on the screened in porch on a beautiful cool spring night, listening to the crickets and evening sounds, I wonder about the choices we make in life.  What motives us to make the choices we do, take the chances we take to go the directions and take the roads on which we travel? When we have a fork ion the road, what makes us choose one over the other?

And I look around and wonder about the choices that I have made. Why did I buy this house? Obviously, because I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. And when love enters, all reasoning exits. I am a single girl, what am I doing? Why do I need a house this big, with a yard and pool and skylights, and marble floors, and…? And all the little handyman things that need to be done, that I have no idea how to do? Why didn’t I just rent another place?

I believe we  make the best choices we can in that particular moment. No one wakes up and says “I am going to make bad decisions today!” No. We get up, get dressed dressed, brush our teeth, and go out each day to do the best we can, be the best we can and make the best decisions we can. Sometimes we do good. Most of the time actually. Though sometimes not.  And sometimes, we just have to let others think what they want, if that is what is best at that moment.  I think most of why we do what we do, is based on emotions. What we feel at the time. Sometimes emotion must match against reason. And that is where it gets hard. And fuzzy.

And we take risks, if we think it will work out. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. It has so far with this house. And it was huge risk to say the least, when I made the offer. No money really, no savings, no place to live after a certain date, just the sheer belief and faith that it would work. That the third time I bid on this house, everything would line up just as it should. And it did.  I wanted this house because I want a place for my family, for my friend and for my life. A place that is mine, to do with as I please –  to love, live, plant, grow, party…LIVE. I wanted something to pass on, someplace permanent to call home.

And here it is. As I sit and watch the lights through the trees in my backyard.  And I decide to go for it, and see what happens  – with my life. All that I want. And that is a decision to keep. With wobbly knees, and a lump in my throat, I’ll move forward with everything I have dreamed. So, let me live, love, work, kiss, cry, read, write, ride, plant, move, climb, clean…even make mistakes, as best as I can, with my whole heart. Join me, won’t you?

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Definition

What defines us? As people? As humans? As individuals?  I don;t think that there is one thing that can define a person, as we are all multi-layered and complex. Flawed.  Good and bad.  We are, in fact, made up of may definition, just as we are made up of many parts. As just as our parts, we are for more rich that just the sum…because along with all of our parts and definitions, there is an intangible quality that is brought with the whole of us.

That which defines us, is liquid. It can change at any time, because we ourselves, are so multifaceted that we may also seem liquid. The Truth is, it just depends on which angle and light from which you catch the view.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a lover, a co-worker, a girlfriend, an enemy, a stranger, a driver, an actor, a model, a girl, an American, a Southerner, and human, a sing-in-the-shower-er, a klutz, a romantic, a procrastinator, a spectator…and too many more too list. Ands what you see me as, depends as much as your view as it does the angle in which you see me.

There are things in my life, that I have done, in which I am proud, and there are things I have done which I am ashamed. I have gone back and read the hand-written story of my life in the pages of my journal, in my own handwriting, and cried, been proud, been terrified, been ashamed, been happy and been sad at what I read. There are times I really wanted to know the person in those pages, and times when I hated her. And they are all what defines me…and more.

And maybe that is it, our definition is a combination of our experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality, views and opinions, as well as all those of what others think and view of us. Certainly there is not a single person who is liked or loved by everyone. And who one person would say is a saint, certainly someone else may say is the devil. It all depends on the definition others see us by as well.

But maybe the most important definition is that which we give to ourselves. And tat which we strive to reach. I want top be better. I strive to be less defensive, more open, have more Grace and patience, have more compassion. I pray that I worker harder and be more engaged and a better friend to those who love me. And work hard to e a better writer and deeper explorer of the human condition. And I strive to reach more depth of understanding in my dealing and comprehension of others.

And I pray, that I never stop adding definitions of who and what I am.

Within Our Own Imperfections

I’m learning that within our own imperfections we find the greatest truths, unconditional love, appreciation and a mirror of who we really hope to be on the inside on good and bad days. – Jennifer Jo Clark Singleton

I have long written about our faults, how they make us beautiful, human, complicated, deep and of course, flawed. One of the things these imperfections also do is help us find those greatest truths, not only about ourselves, but others in our lives. Within our own flaws, we can see a deeper.

It’s easy for others to like us and even for us to like ourselves on the good days. But what about the bad days? Those days when we know we are short tempered, overly emotional, angry, irritable, impatient and just bitchy. When we are tired, hurt, frazzed, discouraged, insecure and un-pretty. Those days when we really want to be the super hero we try to be, but just can’t seem to find the energy.  We are human and that is not always pretty.

Those people who love us anyway see us on a deeper level, because they see us even when we are not proud of ourselves. It’s all part of really getting to know someone, faults and all, from the inside out, from the soul to the toes. When we see that person is not perfect, they suddenly become real and are no longer 2-demensional. They are suddenly human, like us. Within our own imperfections we find God, Grace, compassion, comfort and healing.

I am going to have those bad days, as are you and everyone else in the world. Because we are human. We will lose our tempers, say the wrong things, lash out and just get irritable. Then we think about what was done or said and find our deeper selves. We feel remorse, and we apologize. we rebuild, we re-trust. We try and in trying, we become better – on those good days and even when we fall short on the bad days.

Within our imperfections, we strive to be better.

And within our flaws we can realize our dreams as well. We strive and work hard  toward making the “Me” we want to be, with the lives we want to have, reality.

I want to take long walks down roads and trails with yellow and red leaves. I want to make delicious meals in a big kitchen with an island. I want to have friends over and drink wine on the deck or patio. I want a yard in which children can play and I want laughter and love running down a hallway leading into bedrooms full of toys and fairy tales. And I want someone with which to share those wonderful things. Someone to laugh with, kiss at midnight and talk into the early hours. Someone whose flaws I can live with, and who can somehow, see the deeper treasure in the real 3-dementional me.

So I strive, everyday to be better. And when I fall short, as I will, I find comfort in the compassion and understanding of the hand that takes mine, the voice that says it is OK, the smile that re assures me that being human is just fine because I am in good company. And as I look in the mirror, as I look out to my friends and loved ones, and see them bare souled with imperfections too, I know it is true.

 

Calm After the Storm

We all have those times where the waters are so rough, you would think you are about to face a tsunami. Last week was that week for me. It was a rough week punctuated with ripple effects, lots of tears, high emotions and personal struggles not to be written about in a public forum. It was a week of learning, feeling, losing and gaining. Heartache multiplied and returned to me in Joy a thousand times over.

And then, this week, this day, there is calm. There is calm as I take a breath and take rest and refuge in the love of those who have sent encouragement, love, support, kindness, compassion, thoughts and prayers. As I let myself rest, closing my eyes and feeling the soft lull of the calm waves of life beneath me, I am so very thankful.

Thankful for the many blessings I have been given this week and last. Celebrating my father’s 76^th birthday, when just a short while ago we thought we would lose him forever. My mother’s health returning, the legal struggle against my crazy ex finally coming to a close, seeing wonderful dear friends, feeling their arms around me in a true embrace that says I love and miss you, another promotion, another project, sincere hugs, soft hopefull kisses and a heartfelt reconciliation, are just a few things on the list of which to celebrate and be thankful.

And tonight, as I lay down to rest, and sleep takes me, I will dream soft sweet dreams of the future, of smiles, of laughter, of love, of friendship, of life. And I will enjoy basking in the sun of the calm after the storm.

And in this calm, a life will be built that is strong enough to endure the next storm when it comes ashore.

The Game of Love

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

We all have things in which we are good, and that which we are not. And in our life we must face our own limitations. Like the fact that I will never be graceful and will always be clumsy.  I will never be able to be anything but a messy cook. and I don’t think I am good at this thing called the game of love. I am not good at games really, unless it’s Texas Hold’em…then I will clean you out.

But really, I just don’ think I am good at dating. Which is funny considering how many articles I have been paid to write about the topics of love and dating. I have com to the conclusion that I am just as clumsy at dating as I am trying to go up and down stairs flat footed (I am much less clumsy while wearing high heels).

Why do I think that I am bad at dating? Well, let’s just take a look at the facts: I don;t get hints or clues. Several of my friends will just look at me with the blank “oh know you didn’t” look when I tell them about guys that I talk to and have no clue that they are interested. I mean I can be very dense and for some reason I just do not pick up on social cues that man is interested. Unless a guy comes out and says he is interested, or kisses me, I honestly will not make any assumptions that he is interested. A good friend had this to say: You are a beautiful women, it is right to assume that every man you meet wants to sleep with you.” While I would not go that far…I do need to pick up on clues and hints a little better.

The second thing is that I do not flirt well. By that I mean that if I like someone, I am too shy to flirt really (unless they start it, then I will follow). But, most of the time what happens is that a man will flirt, I will flirt back and think nothing of it…then be told months later how the guy liked me so much but didn;t ask me out because he didn;t think liked him.  No I did, I just don’t get hints (see above), so many times I am just clueless. And I do not assume.

The whole game thing…I don’t get it. Yes, dating is a dance and you reveal a little bit at a time. But even then I think your actions must be consistent with your words. That means that you actually act like you like that person and do not send mixed signals. Consider me the Mixed Signal Natzi. It just makes me very angry…and you won’t like me when I am angry.

I hate technology. Not completely, but most days. And technology and dating do not mix, at least in my book. I like it when a man actually picks up the phone and calls me to ask me out (I know, I am so old fashioned and un cool, right?). None of this lets let our computer screens get it on kind of thing. Or maybe your computer can IM my computer and they can go to a virtual lunch and let us know when we are suppose to go out.  WTH? I swear I have dated some guys who would actually get married over the Internet if the could rather than on person. And to have disagreement over any kind of electronic communication? Fagettahaboutit! Maybe it is because I am a writer, maybe it is because I was in radio for so long and focus in on the voice…but I want to at the very least, hear a man s voice when he is asking me out, or disagreeing with me. Another secret? If I am mad, I am much nicer over the phone and even in person. This is because I can see your face and hear your voice. So the best way to get me to NOT be mad at you? Whatever it is, let’s discuss face to face.

Kissing is king. I know, in this day and age of 50 Shades and hot sex, I am supposed to like sex more than kissing. And I do…but kissing is just so…wonderful. And HOT. And intimate. If a man wants to make me melt…give me a wonderful, slow, passionate kiss. Pull me in close to you, hold me tight. Then walk away. Once I gather myself up off the floor and can speak I’ll follow. Kissing can express so many things. And to be kissed in the rain? Oh, my. The best thing to do to get me to calm down if a man has made me mad? Kiss me. I know, not very modern and trendy for today’s style of dating.

Patience and vulnerability. I am a very patient woman. Most days. But there are some things that I just have no patience for – like using technology in dating. Or anything that could possibly be construed as disrespectful or dishonest. Vulnerably? It is very hard for me to admit a man has hurt me. I am more likely to puff up in an angry green version of myself. I know a woman is supposed to be soft and vulnerable…but…until I really trust a man, I would much rather chew off my right arm. This is something I am working on though. Stay tuned.

So many things make me bad at dating in this day and age. I don’t play games, I don’t get hints  and don’t like technology. But, I am loyal, honest, and faithful. I am a great cook, have fabulous legs, magnificent hips (and know how to use both) and a great sense of humor. I am feisty, stubborn and always right. But, I am compassionate, fair and admit when I am wrong (theoretically, I if I were to ever actually be wrong ;).

Yes after the year I have had, I am no doubt a Hot Mess. And it will take a man with much patienct to unravel the true treasure underneath. Maybe we all have our faults that make us bad at dating. Those little imperfectness, or big faults even, that seem to put the scales out of our favor. But the secret, I think, is to find someone whose faults compliment ours and whose shortcomings we can accept. And perhaps that is what makes us good at dating.

Politically Incorrect Confessions

In everyone’s life a little political incorrectness must fall. And Happy Monday!  Here are some politically incorrect confessions…may they bring you a smile on a Monday.

Flight Attendants: I really like my flight attendant to me female. I know, it’s horrible and I am a horrible person. But I also like my plumber, my mechanic and my AC guy to be a man.

Discipline: I really think it is OK to spank a child. Not abuse them – there is a difference. I also think that is it Ok to put kids on restriction, take away their TV, iPod, computer, iPads…or whatever if they are not respectful and courteous. I think kids should say Yes Ma’am and No Sir, they should do their chores, and get good grades in school. And I think that if kids are never mad with their parents, then the parent is doing something wrong. Parents should actually be parents, and that means being the authority figure and telling them no sometimes. But I also think kids should be treated with kindness and respect as well. They should be allowed to express themselves and their opinions as long as it is in a respectful manner. And I do believe they should be spoiled…but taught to understand that they are very fortunate to be spoiled.

Manly: I want a man who is manly. Meaning, I want him to have facial hair – because it’s manly (love, love LOVE). And yes, I want chest hair and lots of it. Why do men shave their chest? It feels like you are snuggling up to a Brillo pad…really, guys, don’t do that. And I want them to sweat, that is manly too. A deep voice, oooohhhh, yes please. No fru-fru hair products, manicures, pedicures, whatever metro-sexual thing going on. Rugged. Manly. Afpha-male. Thank you.

Pants: I really don’t like the whole show your boxers thing the boys are doing these days. Really, what’s up with that? I get that it is a fashion thing, doesn’t their ass get cold? Especially in the winter? I mean down south you really don’t have to worry about it as much, but what about up north? And what about…shrinkage? I just can’t uunderstand why someone would, especially in the winter, volunteer to do that. And they say women go to extremes to look good.

U: I remember when I was on the online dating sites (never again!) I was surprised by the amount of men who sent me email to introduce themselves using ‘U’ and ‘R’ and ‘N’…if you are trying to impress a woman, especially if she is a writer…please, please, pretty please, spell out the words “you’, ‘are’ and ‘and’. Thank you. And no shirtless shots please. We know you have a chest…and that picture falls under the TMI category, kind of like a girl telling you all about her cats on the first date.

Baby Daddy: What is up with the whole Baby-Mamma, Baby-Daddy thing? When did that slang become part of American Main Stream English? Maybe because I am a writer, and prefer proper grammar (though I am not perfect at it), but this term just bugs me.

Payment: I really like the man to pay on dates. Always. Yes, I know this is not a popular opinion in this equal rights world, but I am an old fashioned girl and I want to be courted, and I want the man to pay the tab. Thank you.

Sitcoms and dramas: This is very politically incorrect, but I really love sitcoms and dramas much more than the reality TV. There are a few good reality TV shows out there, but I think most of them pander to the lowest common denominator. Give me something inspirational, smart, or where I can learn something, and I will watch it. But watching someone with a bad northern accent get drunk and fall over…not so entertaining.  Give me the Big Bang Theory, Bones, Two Broke Girls, How I Met Your Mother, Criminal Minds, CSI Miami, NCIS…something with interesting characters, witty banter, smart retorts, and hysterical situations…and I am a happy girl. I will even put down my book.

Being a Housewife: Here is the biggest politically incorrect statement of all…I would love to be a housewife. Yes, there it is, I said it. Yes I have a very successful career, love what I do, have a great fulfilling life, and I do not need to be rescued from anything…but I would still love to not have to worry about being the breadwinner, take care of kids, write when I wanted and be taken care of otherwise. I would do that in a heartbeat. Most people who know me would be very surprised – they think I am wildly independent, single hearted, never get married type. They could not be more wrong. The most fulfilling thing I could ever do, I think, is be a stay at home mother and wife.

Of Flaws and Perfection

”I deeply appreciate human flaws.”

I have often said that it is our flaws that make us our most human and our most beautiful.  These flaws could be many things; a scar, whether emotional or physical, something in our personalities, something in our character even. It may be leaving shoes in the floor, squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle, or singing out of key. Let’s face it, no one is perfect.  And no matter how much we love someone, we are not going to like everything about them. While flaws make us beautiful, it doesn’t mean all of them are likeable, even if they help make us loveable.This is true in all of our dealings with others whether romantic, family, friends or co-workers.

The trick is to find the true beauty in those flaws and appreciate them. We are more than the sum of how parts, the whole of ourselves being much more complex and difficult to define. Our beauty as humans lie in the complex way the flaws fit with the perfections. How we can love someone for their patience, but dislike them for their lack of tact and ability to always say the wrong thing. Yes, we must find someone whose flaws we can not only tolerate, but maybe even find somewhat endearing. Because those flaws are also reflective of the person for which we care so deeply, is why we are willing to accept them as a whole being, flaws and all. That is how it works in a perfect world.

My flaws? Well, there is the scar on my stomach, my crooked nose, my lack of mechanical skills and over abundance of energy late at might, my inability to organize my shoes or sock drawer. My stubbornness, and desire to always have it my way. My impetuousness nature. That is jsut for starters. I am a smorgasbord of flaws, both endearing and irritating. But with a winning smile, those should not be that hard to love, right?

Because we have flaws, loving someone despite themselves can be a challenge. Maybe the key to this is in tolerance. If we can appreciate those flaws which we do not like, and understand that the sum of those flaws add up to the person we do like, then maybe tolerance can be found in dealing with differences. Maybe we might even see that those flaws are not what seperates us, but what joins us. And maybe in that joining is where we can find a true union.

 

“Good-Nature and Good-Sense must ever join;
To err is human, to forgive divine.” – Alexander Pope